So….yesterdayy was a "bad" day. But I learned a few things and that is what this is all about sometmes. If I fail to learn; I fail to thrive. That is just my personal belief.

I learned that; I have bi polar disorder (no new news there; ben treatedd for 24 years…i took a minute to count accuractly lol) and am PISSED off -( which i turn inwards to depression because of a lot of reasons). For over 20 years i have l have lived with being a guinea pig….."let\'s try this medication….blah blah blah". 50 % of the time they didnt work.

One miracle that occurred and changed my life forever wass a woman shrink i saw privately who looked at the fact that i had ben sober 21 years in recovery and she TRUSTED me with a script of clonazapam to treat my anxiety disorder. That and she were priceless.

Now it is the bipolar that there is no cure for but "can be stabalized and people go on to live healthy and normal lives". Well, i am not one of those people who can write a great success book on how a litle pill changedmy life.

After 34 years I still have what are called "hypomanic" episodes…I require less sleep, talk too fast and too much, get preoccuppied about sex, and other inconvenient things when you are trying to pass as "normal" in "society".

So, the latest is a brand new med that is making me feel weird. It could be the med is not working….it could be that I have to accept the "hypomania" is gone making me feel "ho-hum (translation; i don\'t give a f@ck!!! about anything. I cried andd comforted myself last night that this could be the reality; the med is working and nowi feel like a droid……I am an artist, a Scorpio and left handed……I AM SUPPOSED TO BE A LITTLE OFF GOSH DARN IT.

So, i had these feelings which just exhasperated my anxiety disorder and there i am reaching for the pill bottle……clonazapam.

I AM PISSED AS ALL HELL THAT I HAVE TO RELY ON F@UCKING PILLS TO FUNCTION IN A WORLD THAT IS 80% BULLS@IT! If i had the opportunity i would have joined an artist\'s colony where society norms are often rejected and people actually care about how things affect your creative process.

And the meds DO affect my creative process……and my stomach is now F@CKED forever from having to be on them for so long…and then thee is the side effect of constipation…..a true nighmare if you have ver had an anal fissure. I am not supposed to be having these health probles at 47 years old.

This is av entg/blo and feedbak is welcome but PLEASE dont make a comment or give advice with the very little knowledge you have of me and my very personal situation. I do like comments tho 🙂

The bottom line is i have to acccept SH@T the way it is at this precise moment in time. Its the wekend and i cant talk directly to my shrink. I talked to the oncall clinician yesterday and her brilliant advice was to go to the ER and get my blood levels checked. OH YEA LETS SPEND THE F@UCKING DAY IN THE ER ORDER!!!!!! I have PTSD from being in the psych ward nine times!

Guess what…..I look more normal than you do ; ) just kidding 😉

Seriously……..Gut level feeeling……I didnt ask for this life. I honestly didnt ask for life at all so WHY THE F@CK DO I HAVE TO GET SCREWED WIH BAD GENETICS AND ENVIROMENT.!!!!!

Awe Grasshoppper; the answer is as you first stated; to learn.