I am feeling…..okay. But a little scared, too.
I had three 12 year olds at my house Friday night. That is not a quiet, restful thing to do, I only napped. Saturday, I took them plus my 16 year old daughter to The Croods, the new cartoon movie in 3D, it was actually fun.
Then my son went to one of the boys' house for another overnight.
I did get some housework done before, so I was happy enough with that.
My son's wolf sculpture is in the school library on display and he is getting comments from many of the teachers and kids. It is a huge hit. I wasn't expecting that. I thought EVERY kid would choose the messy art project, not just us. His score was 100%, A+. He never gets A's. He works his ass off for a B or C. This is turning out to be bigger. He did the work and is reaping HUGE benefits, it has made him LIKE reading. I wish we could stop time and just enjoy this feeling a bit more before it passes.Maybe he will work hard for this feeling again, wouldn't that be something?! That would be a game changer!
My 'husband' has been absent for all of it. At work, in his basement/man-cave/home, and yesterday, he went to the turkey calcutta at the bar. He gave me money and said I could take the kids to a movie. That was pretty much his only involvement in the entire birthday.
He's been nice to me lately. Superficial, but nice. It gives me a stomach ache to know he'd rather not have us around. But then I am superficially nice back to him. Is it being civil, or being a fraud, or being decent so we don't have to be the screaming kind of people?I can't figure out or decide what it is or what it means. I just know I am a drag for him, and he is a drag for me. I also know I feel oppressed once he gets home from work, until he leaves again the next day, or in the case of weekends, until he leaves Monday morning.
My daughter and I have been "getting ready", sorting, packing, getting small things we'll need.That's really the only part of life that makes me feel really alive. Which is good, before even the things I LOVE to do didn't give me that feeling anymore. Not much time for that, so not much is done.
This site has meant a lot to me. I don't feel so alone. But, I have "met" people I really like and then a few have disappeared, are we supposed to just move on? We don't really know them, so we can't go visit or have coffeeand make sure they are okay. It's not really like me to sit there and wait for the outcome when someone could be suicidal, or in need of help and/ or intervention. Is there a site manager who will contact these people for us? I feel really helpless and scared when tribal members go downhill and then disappear. This can't be an acceptable way to exist, can it? Make friends and then lose them? Doesn't someone read our stuff and make sure we're ok, or not being mean to each other, or make sure predators get busted, or anything? Maybe we are really alone, maybe this is not all it's cracked up to be? If we can all just go die, what's the point of having each other? Just to get more pain and loss, like we all haven't had enough already?I need you people, this isn't some fucking game.