Everyone says to stop and look at how far i've come, and I see it. At the same time I see all the things i've failed to do. I know I've come a long way and I deserve to give myself credit. It's just that I know there are things I could've done better. I feel like everyone is constantly trying to help me justify my failures through my successes. I suppose I appreciate the gesture. I'm just a different kind of person. Maybe I'm wired differently. Am I alone in that I have dreams/aspirations/goals that in the end nearly cripple me mentally with desire? And the failure to obtain these goals in the highest regards reaps harsh self judgement? Yes, I've fought and won valiantly, but are there not other arenas where I've slipped? And now I find myself lacking the self control and resolve I used to have that made these sorts of things possible. When did I crawl into a little ball and accept failure? I can't believe I'm just laying down and accepting that I'll never be able to go to the gym and become a fitness model..I can't believe I'm not being more proactive and am just letting all of my dreams slip away and continue to float in this unrecognized territory of guilt and self loathing.. I need desperately to relocate my inner animal, my inner defiance, the primal part of you that screams to hold on when everything starts to go black. I miss my fight. I miss my fire. I miss my spunk. I miss my soul. Did I sell my soul/dreams to the devil for my life to change in the manner that it has? What happened to the girl that wanted desperately to be the most agile, well built, and physically well trained predator in the pack? I wish I'd never started hating myself this much, I wish I had never stopped believing in myself. I wish I knew what had done it, but then again what does it even necessarily matter what did it? The only thing that truly matters is that this is the hell in which I've placed myself. I'm a horrible mate for myself at this moment. i feel my precious muscles wasting under my skin, I get more and more weak and jiggly by the day, but I'm not putting up an ounce of fight. What the FUCK HAPPENED TO ME?! I used to believe that there might be something potentially wrong with me before for the passion and the fight that i felt. Now I feel myself constantly slipping away. Like trying to clutch the covers to the bed in an F5 tornado…Somehow I have to get up. Somehow that drill sargent in my head needs to find his voice and start screaming orders. The part of me that felt like I had something to prove is absent…and without it I find myself empty…struggling to rekindle the flame that once was the pure enigma of my energy/life/soul.

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