12:05 pm 7/16/09 Thursday

Pausing to reflect on my life is tough. I 'm addicted to rushing around often mindlessly, compulsively. I have this panicky fear that if I stop to reassess that I will miss the boat, that disaster will ensue. I run around frantically without really stopping to think if what my adrenaline fueled sense of hurry really makes sense. Blogging helps to force me to slow down enough to write in here and reflect.

There are a lot of tasks that I procrasinate on , that I avoid. I mindlessly pursue secondary projects that don't matter as much as to me as a way of protecting myself from disappointment if I pursue something I really care about. I protect myself from what I fear will be crushing and devastating disappointment if I invest myself in what I care about professionally. I think maybe when I was a kid, i was disappointed at my emotional investment in my parents as role models. As role models, they got stuck in blame, procrasination and frustration and it seems like I constantly rearrange my activities and life to re-create the emotional atmosphere I grew up in.

This is what I hate to face in myself. I am afraid of change. I am afraid of leaving behind my parents as emotional role models for life. I feel disloyal and guilty. I feel saddened and empty and hollow when I contemplate moving on. Yet I know I must go on. There 's a saying in Scriptures "Let the dead bury the dead," (Luke 9:59-62, Matthew 8:18-23),  "but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God, still another said, i will follow you Lord but first let me go back and say good bye to my family, Jesus said no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God"

I know I have to stop looking back emotionally and stop looking back behaviorally. I know God is inviting me to a Kingdom that has an overflowing cup with goodness and love but I have to stop going back to the emotionally dysfunctional patterns and templates that my parents modeled for me. Help me God. Help me to enter the Kingdom, to make your healthier patterns with goodness and love the patterns I follow. It's so hard, the old patterns tug at me everyday. help me God.

12:23 pm

3:39 pm

Feeling urge to waste time and avoid dealing with issues by browsing erotic web sites and indulging in mindless fantasizing. Asking God to help me avoid wasting time and to stay on task.

The urge to run away, to avoid grown up responsibilities is great! I think of how JC must have wanted to  run away in the Garden of Gethsamene. Help me to drink from the cup that my Father in Heaven wants. Help me to let go of my stubborn unwillingness and defiance and avoidance. Help me to keep the  plow straight.

3:42 pm

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5:56 pm

I feel terrified of being on top of things. I feel like I am being skinned alive. I'm so used to things being out of control. I feel much more comfortable when I am behind because it feels so familiar. Being on top of things feels dangerous, like something catastrophic will happen because things aren't supposed to be going okay.

5:58 pm