My lavender oil capsules came in the mail today. I am continuing my intensive lavender therapy. I have put lavender oil on my pulse points, I am inhaling lavender straight from the bottle, I’ve had two cups of lavender tea, and I’ve taken two lavender oil capsules. It’s a German formula called Silexan, marketed in the US as Calm Aid. We shall see how all this lavendering will affect me. My hope is that, as studies have shown, it is just as effective for me as the Ativan. I’m feeling all kinds of weird today, I don’t know what’s going on with me, I just know I feel strange. Since Friday (when I first got the Ativan) I’ve been feeling really good, with the exception of today. I don’t know what the difference is, I just know I feel worse today, and I felt my best on Friday and through the weekend. I still felt detached, like I was in a dark bubble, but I didn’t feel anxious like I normally would. I have one more Ativan left.  I am going to save it for tomorrow morning, and hopefully by then I will either get a new prescription for Ativan from my primary care doctor, or I will be able to get ahold of my psychiatrist. I had left a message with him last week; usually he’s really good at getting back to me. I wonder why he didn’t this time. I will call him in the morning tomorrow.

I am also waiting to hear back from my Medi-Cal worker about my pending Medi-Cal application, to see if I could finish the application and qualify for IHSS. I have sent off my IHSS application today, I gave it to my husband to put into the post box for me. Having my husband be my IHSS worker would be a godsend. I wouldn’t have to be by myself anymore, and he would be free of the stresses of his current job. We could do all kinds of therapeutic things here at the house- I could do my exercises, we could go out for hikes, we could run errands, we could sleep in together, we could get up early for drives, we could do all kinds of things. The only downside is that he would be making less money, either by having a lower wage, or fewer hours, or both. He will be home in an hour and twenty-five minutes. Actually, he will be home later than that today, as he has to go to the DMV after work, but it won’t be much longer than that. I can’t stand these long days, they’re so ugly, and lonely, and fearful. My husband told me the only thing to fear is fear itself. What a catch-22 that is! Because all I can feel is fear, I literally can’t feel anything else. And I can’t get it to go away, no matter what I do. The closest I could get to having the fear leave me was taking the Ativan, and now the Calm Aid. I think the Calm Aid works just as well as the Ativan. Studies have proven this too. Ok, I’m going to try to take a nap. There really isn’t anything else to be done until my husband comes home.

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