I’ve posted before about myself. My loss from the very beginnings losing family, losing  financial stability, losing friends and fighting the desire of suicide. I don’t  come on daily, I don’t blog daily. I thought things were getting better. I just got promoted. I finally was falling away from a controlling relationship.  I made a friend who was going to put me in touch with a possible lover.  However it all turned into a complex mess. Causing my heart to hurt. And causing me to lose my drive to continue. After all the issues with mercy were put to rest a coworker confessed to me. Opened up about an ongoing abusive marriage spanning 11 years. I rejected her feelings but supported her escape from him. Only to be carried into a religious battle which in the end we won. However we lost the ability to communicate she also lost her job and almost her coven. I did what I could for everyone supporting her and to try to save her job. After that the promotion we were supposed to split I got the brunt of causing overwhelming worries. The entire time this happened someone I  loved was unreachable and lost. She disappeared again today and I found out she may be in a relationship with someone else. If she had said so that would be okay but to suddenly find out and to feel unimportant to so many people…the other the ex who  pushed me fully away asked before she felt how I’d act if she dated the other guy…she behaved like usual like the other person was her lover. It hurts a lot. My best friend can’t  see me because her parents are over protective. I’m going through an emotional heck. I finally found myself. I was finally comfortable  I was finally free from my self defined mental prison. All of us all of me…hurt. We all feel alone. The real alex is unprotected. He fears people…and because of that it wasn’t  ’til last year he could live freely be heard…now he has to go back…all because there is no one to protect him. No one who makes him feel safe. Back to a cage surrounded by insults, mockery, shame and embarrassment. I have many personalities…alex is the real me a child afraid of the world. Who loves all creatures. Good and evil. But fears them all as well.  In the end the personalities will remain but alex will be silenced. Mentally emotionally  we will remain locked between a male and female nature…but it hurts and is worrisome. Because in the end. We are losing the real self. I have no family in my eyes, I have no reason to continue. I can’t clearly relate to any gender and live thusly as we choose daily relating as we feel at the time. We don’t  want alex to go back but if he doesn’t  feel he is protected we will lose our real self again.

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