Why did I open up to anybody? Why didn't I just keep that door closed and swallow the key? Almost everyone knows by now that something 'isn't right', and it pushes the belief on me that I'm such a failure. They say you feel better once you let your feelings out, that you talk to people who care and will support you…in my case, they lied. I know I deserve to feel like this, to want all the pain to stop and let there be nothing but silence. But now that my heart has spoken out, you can't unspeak them. I can't call back the words. The past couple of months have helped me with my anxiety, but I don't go out or socialize so we won't know how good it is until I go back to work. My depression is the only thing that has not changed. It's a part of me like the color brown is stuck to my skin. My doctor says it's not healthy and we have to continue to fight it….but it's all I know. I accepted my darkness for over 20 years. How dare it be called a problem: I was fine until it was forced out of me. I don't want to be on disability my whole life, but I can't hide my sadness now, my resentment towards those who just think I can snap out of it. I can't live like a robot and just follow the same routine everyday, praying for the weekend, cursing Sunday night. Looking for a new job is hard cause I need to make what I currently make in order to keep up our standard of living, but in can't deal with people like I did before. It's hard for me to even walk over to my leasing office to drop off the rent check. It hurts so much…how can' I stop the broken feeling when it's who I am?