I have a feeling that I am a lot like Bambi; we are both so very fragile. At one moment, not a thought of death crosses my mind. At the other moment, I feel like death is on my doorstep. I shake, I get a nauseous feeling in my stomach.. I, well … I essentially panic. It is 8:12 pm, and I'm getting really tired. However, I find that if I get tired or drowsy, my anxious thoughts tend to fade a little bit. I get more anxious when I am more aware and alert of the sensations in my body.
I am quite glad that I am beginning to realize my triggers. I have realized that I get anxious when I am in a passenger in a car, however I feel almost no anxiety when I am driving. I guess that is because when I am driving, I feel in control of the car. If I crash, it is my own fault, although I can do my best to stay safe and out of any accidents. I would really like to apply this to my life and emotions. When my anxiety is the driver, I feel out of control, my thoughts clash and create a slaughterfest of emotions and fear, dread and terror, and above all, thoughts of death. However, when I tell my anxiety, "Pull over. Get out. I'm driving." I can control my thoughts. I can choose not to think about death. I can stay in control of my feelings, avoiding an anxiety attack. Anxiety is still in the passenger seat, is still tormenting me. But I am the driver, NOT anxiety. At least I can control the direction in which I am driving. I may not be able to control who is in my car, but I can make sure that I am safe and stay out of any crashes.
I know that I am going to need help to apply these new beliefs/values into my everyday life, but that is what friends are for. That is what my therapist is for.
I volunteered to go to the movies with my grandfather in two days. I am scared to go, as the last time I was in the movies I sat in the bathroom for an hour getting over an anxiety attack. Loud sounds do not go well with my anxiety. I have found that loud sounds are a trigger. However, I have also found that persistent, rhythmic sounds calm me. Like the same song playing over and over again. That way, I always know what will come next. There will be no change, and that is one thing I can be certain about.
As for the daily update:
6:00 AM-11:00 AM NO ANXIETY!
11:00 AM-Now Anxiety…