I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in any of my "recent" blogs (I really haven't been able to get on much) but I am now living on my own in an apartment in the inner city. It's great to be able to have complete control over my environment and to be able to be myself (miserable, eccentric, excited, creative, moody, etc.) whenever I want and not be judged for it. However, it does get really lonely, especially since my friends that I'm closest with don't live in the area and neither does my family. Also, I don't have internet there, so I can't even get on here or talk to people online for company. When I'm at home, I'm cut off from society.
Just the other night, I was laying in the middle of my living room floor, bawling with my mouth stuck open wide in excruciating agony, because I was too depressed to get up and feed myself or shower or do my hair. I couldn't even motivate myself to get up and go get a razor to relieve the pain, so I just repeatedly punched myself in the thighs as hard as I could.If my neighbors heard anything, they didn't feel obligated to check on me. It's a scary thought. I haven't felt that pathetic in a long time. In that moment, I probably should have called a hotline, and I almost did. However, I'm terrified of having to go to the hospital and then losing my job and then not being able to pay rent. I was recently gone from work for a few days because I had a near-fatal allergic reaction to Prilosec. I'm afraid if I have to go to the hospital again, I'll get fired or suspended for missing work too frequently.
I'd been going to the gym regularly and making sure that I eat enough vitamins and minerals throughout the day, but now I can't make myself go or prepare meals. Sometimes a day or two will pass where I only eat a single small meal or nothing at all. At least my apartment stays reasonably tidy because I'm not taking anything out or doing anything. I honestly can't remember any specific one day from the last week. It's just a blur of apathy and tears.