I have never blogged before, but i need to just get it out. I am completly alone. My mom is an alcoholic who would have had me aborted if it wouldn't have killed herself. My father wanted nothing to do with me the day i was concieved and still doesn't. My brother is a herion addict who beats me when he doesn't get money. My sister moved states and states away to get away from them and is with a man who doesn't treat her well. I had no friends growing up. I made a few in highschool but after highschool they all disappered. I am dating someone going on two years, but i know it is doomed. Every relationship ive had with boys has been a disater. they used me. Made me feel even worse about myself. Here at 21 I have no one. I can't even look in the mirror without picking myself apart. my whole life my mom has called me fat and asked me why i cant just be skinny. I am not that big either. Yes i have a little extra but not obese or unhealthy. I hit 130. boys tell me they dump me because im not pretty enough. I try to diet but then i just fall off and use food to comfort me when there is nothing else. I developed very early. I was a DDD by 6th grade and kept growing. I was teased relentlesly and still am. Oh they are so fake and god you are all boobs. My grandma was the only one who was there for me. She told me i was beautiful and everyone was just wearing the wrong lenses to see it. My grandma died in early 2012 after my house burnt to the ground. I lost everything almost my life. I ran back into thte burning house for a stray cat we found a week earlier and got trapped. After the fire, my grandma gave up on life. It was her home she built with my grandpa. Her whole life was in the house and she just let go. When I lost my grandma I lost everything. Before the fire i could get some sleep a couple hours here or there, but now I can't there is no escaping the fire filled dreams. Usually i can't get my grandma out of the house and I watch her die. it haunts me everytime I close my eyes. And waking hours are no better I can't be anywhere near an open flame without hyperventilating. On top of it all I have barely nothing. My mom gave all this money to my brother to buy new things, and bought new things herself from the insurance money, And there is still moeny left, but i have to buy everything for myself. if it wasnt for donations from coworkers i would be naked everyday. The cat is my only connection. since the fire it has attached itself hard. She never leaves my side and crys when im not there. i love her so much and i know it sounds stupid but the cat is the only reason i a still here. I just don't know how to cope anymore. I know I need help but i can't afford a therapist. Calling the hotlines just dont work for me. I have privacy to talk. I need help but i don't know where to go to get it. I just want to stop hating myself