It's getting worse. I'm having nightmares every time I sleep, no real rest through the night…anxiety is really high. Even taking naps are a little scary to me right now because of it.

I woke up this morning dragging even more than yesterday. I almost made Zachary late to school because I just couldn't get it together. I kissed him goodbye as I dropped him off at the car loop, and as soon as I hit the main road the tears started rolling down my cheeks. But I got furious with myself, and yelled at myself until I stopped crying~ that I needed to hold it together, I had to go to work today. But I got home and realized there was no way I could work like this. I couldn't stop the tears burning down my face, couldn't make myself function other than to change into pajamas and make coffee. Even talkin was a massive ordeal. I finally gave in and called my manager and told her that I was having a pretty bad depressive episode, could she find someone to cover for me? She said "of course hon" and "do you want me to cover the rest of your week?". I told her I wasn't sure yet, that I'd let her know tomorrow for sure. I thanked her and hung up the phone.

My husband came home ( I had had a texting coversation early this morning with him about how I'm feeling and how scared I am~ hasn't been like this since I started the Lamictal in May) and asked me what he could do to help me, and suggested that I come lay down with him for awhile and get some real rest. He'scertain that the stress of my Uncle's apparent decline in the hospital mixed with financial concerns are to blame for triggering this. Maybe he's right, I don't know. All I know for sure is that I feel empty, deeply saddened, disconnected from the world around me, and scared. This is 2 and a 1/2 days of this now, and I know I should call the doctor and my therapist to try to get me in asap, but for some reason it feels like failure to me. I don't understand how else to explain it. I've decided that I'm going to start the fight for disability, even if it's only a little money to help. I cannot work in a normal manner with any type of regularity it seems. I just feel like giving up.

It's strange; I forgot what this felt like~ theability to see but not really see what's in front of me, being so eaten up by my emotions that nothing else seems real. I am not touched by the world around me; that which usually brings me comfort only brings a sense of detachment and strangeness to it.

I have been sitting on this porch in fuzzy pants and a sweater since I got home from dropping off Zachary at 8 a.m., and the only thing I want is to go to sleep, but I don't know if I have the strength or enough willpower to make myself move to the bed or the couch.

I'm having such a hard time putting together coherent thoughts~ writing this blog is taxing my brain but I feel like maybe writing about how I feel might relieve some of it somehow. I can't find words that I'm searching for in my head, my ability to think feels like cold molasses trying to ooze out of a jar; extremely slow, congealed, congested, coagulated. I know I should get out in the sunlight~ soak up the vitamin D and the possibility of lifting my spirits, but walking downstairs seems like too much right now. How sad and ridiculous is that?

Let's face it, I'm a failure. I feel like a fake~ trying to put on a happy face all the time and focusing on being peaceful and hopeful for a full recovery. But there is no full recovery from this disease. It slowly eats at me, taking a little more of me everytime it comes and alters my brain chemistry. I would settle even for a functional recovery~ one that would allow me to work at least on a normal basis. My husband's paychecks covers the bills with just a little extra, and it's not enough to keep us going. Our savings is almost gone, and I feel responsible for that, because of my stupid inability to be a reliable source of income for this family. Failure, failure, failure!

I'm going to drink the rest of my herbal tea and then crawl into bed and hope for some real sleep. Yeah, need to do it quickly becausethe tears are threatening again and I want to fall asleep before I really start to bawl~ I don't want the headache that comes with it or the IBS flare-up that inevitably follows.

"Raining In Baltimore" ~ Counting Crows

The circus is falling

Down on it's knees

The bigtop is crumbling down.

It's raining in Baltimore

Fifteen miles east

Where you should be

No one's around.

I need a phone call

I need a rain coat

I need a Big Love

I need a phone call…

These strained conversations

Are passing me by

And I don't have nothing to say.

You get what you pay for

But I just had no intention

of living this way.

I need a phone call

I need a plane ride

I need a sunburn

I need a raincoat.

I don't get no answers

And I don't get no change

It's raining in Baltimore, baby

But everything else here's the same.

There's things I remember

And things I forget

I miss you

I guess that I should.

Three thousand five hundred

Miles away

What would you change if you could?

I need a phone call

MaybeI should buy a new car

I can always hear a freight train

Baby if I listen real hard.

And I wish it was a small world

Cause I'm lonely for the big towns

I'd like to hear a little guitar

Guess it's time to put the top down.

I need a phone call

I need a raincoat.

I really need a raincoat.

I really really need a raincoat…

2 Comments
  1. MoonWolfEagle 8 years ago

    hi keya read my blog i am feeling the same way i will give you my phone number in pvt message you call me we will talk til your all talked out i am here for you always have been i do understand how your feeling time for another med change eh you are not a faliure on any level your human and humans do what humans do so your not perfect none of us are call me dangnabbit please i will put a tiny smile upon your face or we can both cry together love you lots and lots its ok to sleep when your feeling this way it will pass i sware it will blessed be

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  2. SaltWaterDrinker 8 years ago

     Keya–

    You're not a failure.  Not even close.  This rough patch is just where you are right now–it's not where you'll always be; it's not who you are.  Try to take it easy, be kind to yourself, and lean on your friends here.

    Sending hugs,

    A.

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