I'm so tired of being alone.  I took such care to make eyes sparkle with this lovely (overpriced) lilac shadow.  I had on such pretty lipgloss.  I was wearing a new shirt he didn't even notice.  We went out for sushi, his favorite.  We went to the bookstore, we do that a lot, we both enjoy it.

He didn't like the way I talked to the boy at the counter.  And he didn't approve of the type of self-help book I was looking for.  I told him it hurt that he was so negative about my feelings.  But, I told him I know I'm oversensitive and it isn't his fault.

Still, he went on and on about how I was hurting his autonomy by being hurt by his negativity.  I almost didn't understand the argument.  Apparently I'm being codependent and encroaching on his space by having emotions.  I didn't blame him for my hurt feelings, i just mentioned it.  I told him I was extra sensitive, especially because of last night (read previous blog).  Still, he kept going on and on, while I cried and cried.

There went all the makeup.  There went any chances of him noticing that I still try to be cute for him.  I wasn't welcome anymore.  He felt bad for wanting me to leave.  

Gee, thanks.

I sound very self-pitying right now, and I guess I am.  Maybe I won't be tomorrow.  But for right now, I just wish, that someone loved me.  I wish someone was holding me and telling me how strong I am.  I wish they would say, "so what you were emotional and had some problems?  you still handled something incredibly difficult.  you should be proud of yourself".  that would be so nice.  that would be so different from "you're hurting my autonomy."  ha ha.  i guess i want to date a cheerleader.

but seriously, it's not like i don't cheer him and all my other friends on when i get the chance.

okay, well i guess i just wanted to say that i'm lonely.  and it hurts my pride that i'm even in his apartment.  i didn't used to lower myself so much by staying somewhere i'm not wanted.  oh how hard he used to try to convince me to stay.  how hard he tried to get me to trust him and to want to be a part of his life.  and now i'm here, even tho i'm not welcome, and even tho i don't want to be, simply because i'm scared to go home.  because i need to wake up and write a paper that's late.  and because i'm scared of my home with the drunk angry brother and the piles of reminders of how shitty my life is.  and i'm scared of hurting myself.  

i may be a little girl, but i have tremendous pride.  and i can't believe myself right now.  groveling for a couch and a cold shoulder because i'm too pathetic to take care of myself.  when i used to be a goddess he begged to hold.  

okay, worst dramatic self-pitying blog ever!  sorry.  eventually i'll post something more positive.  i'll cuddle with the blankets and pretend someone loves me!!

 

goodnight. 

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