This is my full story.

I'm a 17 year old girl from Singapore.
I'm going to start my story with three years ago.
Every morning at the start of school, there's always this assembly which I absolutely hated.
It requires us to stand in attention to sing the national song and recite the pledge.
This is when panic attacks set in. My heart was like pounding in X speed and I thought I had a heart attack.
But as soon as the song singing and reciting ended, I immediately recovered again.
From then on, I'm very scared of assembly.
And you know it, the more you think of it, the worst it becomes.
But now, my new school doesn't require assembly which is a huge load off my mind.

After a while, other symptoms started to appear.
I began having panic attacks whenever
1) I was in a crowded place,
2) making eye contacts with someone else (which affects me during lessons),
3) walking.
Whenever I was in a crowded place, I would think that those people are staring at the way I walk.
I just felt very uncomfortable when I was walking and I was beginning to think that I walk strangely.
Everywhere I go, I would feel that someone is commenting on my walking and talking behind my back.
Life is so terrible for me. Until now.
And the part about making eye contacts, I don't know why, I just can't look in another person's eyes.
I just turned away, because such situations would cause me to have my attacks.

Then I question myself altogether why all this happens to me.
Is it due to low-self esteem? If so, why am I having low-self esteem?
I have done pretty well in school and I admit although I'm not too pretty looking, my looks is of average which I find acceptable.
Then what is the reason for all this?

I gave myself a super long six months break to think really throughly. It's a break cause I'm changing school.
Then my parents and friends kept saying,
"Why don't you want to work and earn some money? Why stay at home all day long?"
Some of friends even label me as lazy. I'm being seen as [[staying at home all day sleeping and play computer all the time]]
Do you know the feeling that you really wanted to do something to prove them wrong, but you can't?
That you feel really heartbroken because they don't understand you a bit at all?
I just wanted a good long break to rest my soul, not my physical body.
I've lost a lot of friends and I resort to crying, which helped me feel better.
I've cried my hearts out many times, but nobody is there to help.

I've once told my mum about all this but I don't think she's going to bring me to seek medical help.
She's just says everything's okay. It's just your mind playing tricks on you.
Ha, then I turned away. I know continuing the converse is useless.

Then there's this one day I finally cannot take it and I told myself,
"You know what? I'm NOT going to care anymore! Enough of all this!
I'm just going to let people stare and say all they want.
This is NOT going to affect me cause I still have my world to live on."
It helped a little.
Then I started scolding and cursing myself,
"WTF!!! I DON"T CARE. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
THIS SHOULDN"T BE HAPPENING TO ME!"
Scolding yourself and cursing really helps. Really.
But that's not the solution to everything.

I still finding cures to recover me.
I haven't gone to the doctor, cause my mother would probably say it's expensive.
Sigh~
And I just wanna share this experience so other readers would know that there's someone besides themselves also suffering the same thing as they did.
I think this realization would come as a comfort.
I'm NOT trying to gain sympathy from this. I just need a cure.

2 Comments
  1. Winterchronic 14 years ago

    Hi Lyt,

     

    everything you say is the same with me,

    i cannot look people in the eye, and I have panic attacks around people,

    and like you, I worry about the way I walk, and people thinking things about me, and for many years I have been hiding away inside 

    But now i am definitely looking for treatment.

     there are various treatments, the most effective seems to be CBT

    ( cognitive behavioural therapy ) im not sure what it is like in Sinagapore, so i cant say how easy it will be to recieve that therapy, but it is something you should maybe look into.

    there are also various medications that can help with social anxiety

    the SSRI family of medication is most usually prescribed, they are anti-depressants that can help with anxiety, also the Benzo family.

    i have had some success with Olanzipine ( zyprexa ) for the paranoia, and beta blockers to help with shaking and stiff muscles.

    some people say they have had success with hypnotherapy, but i think any benefit from hypnotherapy is short lived at best.

     I wish you luck in finding help and getting better! and if you want to chat feel free to message me anytime.

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  2. skyla85 14 years ago

    hang in there you sound like a very nice person and i have many of the same problems as you we can get through this 🙂

           take care skyxx

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