I’d say, “You tell me.” But you don’t know me. So I’ll jump into the thick of it-

Am I suitable for a service dog 

I have to be properly diagnosed first I’m sure of so I need to look into getting evaluated more than ever if I really want this to happen. Personally I’m not exactly sure of what is wrong with me but I know about a year ago the only thing I was diagnosed with was generalized anxiety disorder and depression…Actually-NO! They didn’t even diagnose me with that. Pffttt show’s how great they are at their job. Thank God I wised up and don’t go there anymore.

It is incredibly hard to get myself motivated to do anything, even leaving the house. Often times just taking a shower is very taxing and takes all the mental and physical energy right out of me. I used to love writing, it was more than a hobby, ever since I could write I wrote stories and made up alternative realities. Haha now I live in one it feels like, the irony. It was always my dream job but the past 4 years I’ve almost dropped it entirely. Hopefully The Tribe will help me write more frequently. The point is that it’s difficult to take pleasure in any hobby or do work outs anymore. I used to love working out, dancing, going for walks, weight lifting. I’ve always known a certain level of depression and anxiety so of course I’ve never been in an actual gym, everything is always hidden and done at home.

Commonly I have suicidal and self destructive thoughts but they are simply that-thoughts. I’ve never truly came close to taking action of something devastating, it just posses my thoughts frequently. Okay, twice I came close but didn’t take action. I have many reasons to live, life may not be the greatest and I may self loathe and sometimes want to give up, I truly don’t want to die. In fact I fear it most days. I’m aware of the harm it would cause but the thoughts don’t obey to logic.

My days consist of laying or sitting on the couch with a laptop in front of me trying to do school work (mostly pushing work off and trying to do things in a specific order or planning that order causing lots of stress, getting overwhelmed and being unable to do work).

When we go out to go to a grocery store or mall or any store really we always have to go extremely far out of the way or go at certain times or I get sick with worry and physical symptoms from that and I’ll begin to feel watched everywhere I go, getting a paranoid sort of feel. Having to look at every person to make sure I don’t know them but trying to avoid eye contact or being noticed by them until I am certain I don’t know them. I’ll walk the other direction or try to navigate the store to avoid seeing them or more importantly-them seeing me. Thinking with an open mind and being very hopeful towards the possibility of a service dog I still cannot imagine ever being able to do that. I’m too afraid to do it but it’d be amazing if it would help. This is just the beginning. I get dizzy, rapid heart beat, stabbing pains through my neck/collar bone area and in my chest when I breathe, which by the way becomes difficult to do.

So my problems are persistent, constant, no release. They seem debilitating, to me at least. Is it enough to get the help of a service dog though?  *sigh* I still search and contemplate. So far I haven’t been able to make any big decisions on the topic but in general I’m glad just to have found The Tribe to write out my thoughts and feeling as well as having a place to record my progress.