I'm new here I had an account that I looked at exactly once when I was first told I had an anxiety disorder my junior year of high school. I've been on and off medication for this stuff for the past seven years and had anxiety/ panic attacks long before that. My issue is with public situations. I get pukey from being so antsy and my fear is of being sick in the middle of the classroom, of someone thinking I was crazy, or of someone knowing I was puking and thinking I was completely gross. I have always been embarrassed of myself. I tried so hard to have perfect grades and dress well but there was a constant dred that my teachers or parents were disappointed in me. I've graduated college almost three years ago now and feel that I can't trust myself with anymore of a job than part-time. I wait tables at a really casual bar. It was a godsend at first because I needed to make money but had just gotten married and moved from home to DC. It's really different here and I feel like people are so judgmental. I used to be the type A student with everything together and now I'm just the failure waitress. I want a real job but I get so scared during the interviews- my muscles tense and my vision blacks out, it's just scary. I don't know what to do, I want so much more for my life and I want to be a better partner for my husband but I feel like I just can't handle regular life. I can't go to the store or go out with friends without freaking out. It's ridiculous and so embarrassing and when I'm not having a nervous spell I think ” how could anyone ever act so childish?” So I know it must look ridiculous to other people. I just don't know what to do, I don't want to take medicine for the rest of my life but every time I stop I'm okay for a few months and then I just have these huge meltdowns.