Hi there.

I used to be on OCDTribe a couple years back, but I don't know what happened to it. lol

I really wanted to talk or write, so I thought, why not come here.

So here I am.

10:36PM.

On my laptop.

I have been going to DBT every Mondays. They have new leaders this month, and I'm still not used to them. First day, I had an anxiety attack, because I hate change and I really missed the other psychiatrists. Second time was better. But today was awful… And I've been down ever since group today… I haven't felt this depressive since the last week of October. Well, that was more like panic attacks everyday kinda day… And really suicidal… And that's how my first hospitalization happened. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

 

Anyway, back to my current state. I am feeling suicidal.I don’t know if it’s almost that time of the month or not, but I am so depressed right now. I have enough trazodone and Ativan to probably overdose me. They’re sitting right there, in front of me.

What keeps me from actually taking it is that I don’t want to be found, taken to the hospital, and turn up alive. Cause that’ll mean that I’ll have to be hospitalized again… And I don’t want that. I’m going back to my job tomorrow, dog walking my neighbors dog this weekend, and what am I going to explain to everyone?

I’m sick of lifeL

I don’t know how much longer I can go without having another mental breakdown…

I’m seeing my psychiatrist on Wednesday. Last week, she said that we could talk about changing meds. Seroquel… I’ll be on a low dosage, but I’m still not all that hyped about it. I’ve been doing a lot of research, and we did talk about this possibility last year, but it never really went anywhere. Research says that Seroquel helps with BPD and anxiety. But we’re talking about an antipsychotic here. Atypical or not. It scares the shit out of me. And I really can’t stand the weight gain. It’s a side effect that I’m not ok with. I don’t care if my mood gets better or whatever. WEIGHT GAIN IS A BIG NONO. I would end up anorexic again. Ok, I was more bulimic but still. I don’t want to have to go back to those dark eating disordered days. I mean, I still struggle with eating!…

I don’t even know what I’m blabbing on about now. Hahaha

Guess I’ll end here for now.

 

 

2 Comments
  1. onelyric 7 years ago

    That's what this site is about …….writing your feelings , your words and hopefully you will get some good thoughts to help you.

    Life is so precious, and I understand how hard it is to get over that awful feeling of what i call darkness. I have all that you talk about and sooooo understand. I would do anything not to have panic attacks. anxiety episodes, and suicide feelings. I have a great Doc who has me on the best…and funny you say the weight stuff..I told him never put me on a med that makes me gain weight…boy my self esteem doesn't need gaining. I can relate to everything….

    So never think your just blabbing…we do read, listen and sometimes put our two cents in.

    Take care dear one …and the world needs you in it.

    D~

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  2. lookingforward 7 years ago

    I hear you, meds are scary as hell but if you're diagnosed bpd as I am there really isn't anyway around it. It sucks but trust me, don't try to gut it out. Once you get on a solid medication, the side effects can be dealt with and you can lead a relatively normal life! I'm pulling for ya.

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