No one understands the darkness. No one understands the pain. I want so bad to not be lonely and yet I seem to push people away. I want so bad not to hurt, and yet I cause my pain.
The darkness is scary, but it is also comfortable. I guess it is not comfortable, but familiar. Little hurts cut like a battle axe into my heart. They sting and bring me deeper into a sadness that is indescribable. What little fight I have is push deeper inside.
Then people close to me call it “Oh poor you.” It’s really not that it just a sadness that cannot be explained. I try to numb it with the drugs and alcohol, but that is only a temporary fix, it never goes away. Even in those short times of happiness, the dark is like a jacket, covering me completely.
The closest ones to me only make it worse. It is not their faults, they didn’t create the darkness, they are only pulled into it be me. They don’t understand the hurt and feeling of being alone, so they get upset or frustrated and it only makes things worse.
The darkness does not mean I am a bad person, it only mean I am a person that needs help. And when the people close to you push you away, it just makes the darkness become stronger.
I pray to God to make it better, but it only seems to get worse. I say to myself I am not a bad person, I want to love, I want to be happy, but I just don’t know how. No one seems to understand that.
I cry. I cry a lot. I hide it, but I cry and hope someone will hear those cries. Hope someone will help. But no one does. I am alone. I am scared.
I told someone close my feelings once. That person used them against me. I don’t think it was on purpose, but it only made me retreat deeper into the darkness.
How can someone who “loves me”, not want to help me out of this? How can they make it personal and hurt me? It honestly makes things worse.
Help is supposed to start with the people that “love” you. But since they don’t understand, it just makes things worst. They say the things they do: not out of hate, well mostly not out of hate, but out of not knowing the pain they cause.
I cry out for help and just want someone to hold me, I want someone to comfort me and help the pain, but I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel abandoned.
The darkness sucks!