I have been keeping to myself for some years now. I dont have any friends or aquaintances whatsoever, I don’t do anything remotely social, I’m a 20 year old that hs never been to a club or bar before, not that they are important. The point is that I have cut myself off from society.
I’m 24 now, and I’m extremely depressed, I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. I’m in a very deep hole, it’s much easier for me to stay at home and wallow than to get out there and try, which is sad. Recently I’ve been blessed with having my first ‘gf’ , I met someone cool online and we talked and hung out for 2 months, eventually she decided to end it, which of course sucked, but was still her choice. Most people would have dealt with it fairly well and moved on, but I didnt. Due to my life, being alone constantly all the time, spending my entire life online, it was hard for me to deal with, and I made a complete mess of it. This is one of those situations that reminds me how bad my life is.
I have one problem that hinders me, that is non depression/anxiety, that which I can’t speak of. The other big problem that bothers me the most, is my looks. It never was a problem for me as a child, I never even acknowledged it, in hindsight I remember being teased a few times, but I was so carefree and happy, I only thought of it in hindsight (in my depressed state).
I really became self conscious in my teens, when girls, fashion and popularity came into play. I moved to the U.S. at age 15, and just never hit it off in highschool. I got teased, felt alienated and I just put myself into a shell, I was so self conscious I punched a guy I thought was always teasing me and got into a fight (he was a blood gangbanger). Needless to say, high school was horrible and I dropped out mid sophmore year, even though I made honor roll, I couldnt deal with it anymore. After that is when I became agoraphobic for the first time, I would wait for the house to be empty and sneak back in and spend all day alone, I would do that everyday for months.
I managed to get out, and get a job at a carwash, but the looks issue still bothered me, thats when I got anxiety for the first time. dealing with dozens of customers all day, feeling self conscious, was too much for me. I slowly began to crumble. I lasted til I got laid off, but as soon as I didnt have a job anymore, I went right back home and resumed my agoraphobia. This time it was worse cus I had more bad experiences to harp on and think about all day. Ive been the same way for years now, and Ive only gotten worse. I’m so afraid of people now, I cant even look them in the eye. I feel so low and worthless because of my looks and the reactions Ive gotten over the years. A woman called me a freak once, Ive been called retard, I deal with the curious stares, the uncomfortable stares, Im sensitive to all of that now. Between how I look and the way I behave when I get anxious, ppl treat me like I’m mentally disabled sometimes, which really makes me sad. Just more stuff for me to worry and harp on when I seclude myself.
I know that I over analize some situations, and I’ve probably shut myself away from good situations because of my low self esteem. Whenever I enter a room I go into complete shut down mode and just give up now. I know Ill always have to deal with the stares, and sometimes the ridicule, but where do I go beyond that? Ive forgotton what its like to have a friend, to fit in, to feel ‘normal’. I daydream about just hanging with people and just being ‘one of the guys’. I know I need therapy, a job, some school.
I wanna be able to love myself again, and give the best me to the world. I have all these worries about women but thats secondary to actually having a functioning life right now. In my despair, I make plans about having surgery done some day, to reduce my lip size, one of the most standout features that draw people’s curiousity.
Right now I’m at rock bottom, feeling as bad as I’ve ever felt throughout all these tumultuous years. At my worst times I realise its much worse being this lonely than to be ugly. Ill never be the person I was as a child again, but the adult version of me deserves to have friends also, he deserves to be happy also. Back in the days I would dread psoting my pic, but at this point im too tired, I dont care anymore. I’m just emotionally exhausted now, its been so many years of this. I want to free myself. Below is a picture of me. The main question is, ‘if he was a nice person, would u wanna be friends with that guy?’ In my adult life I havent been able to experience friendship yet, thats my main goal now.