A ramble…that is what I have for now, my days have been set to a routine I seek each one with a plan, those plans I do not always follow and that is ok, today I came into it knowing that from the start, instead of my normal "a.m." stuff i was quick to get out the door to help my dad with graduation (he is a florist) so I assisted in delivering all the stuff to the large student center then to the union for the picture area etc…next it was off and running with moms van to hit walmart to return the wifi netgear POS that I spent 40 min on the phone with someone only to find out it did not work.  went from there to monroe muffler where I had brought my wifes van to have it fixed as when she took it to the dealership they said it needed $1300 worth of saftey work alone before they would even inspect it (this was when I was in rehab).  I was crushed so I went to where I always do business to see what they could do I was honest and told them that we have no money to speak of and that just the strain of us not living together is more than I can handle bundled with the whole rehab everything and I just need to buy some time…These fine men did just that for me/us they did somewhere around $2000 to $3000 worth of work on it for $300 it will now pass inspection and my wife will have reliable transportation and I dont have to worry about her safety or the kids safety while in it.  now in regard to the money to pay for it, well that we did not have either and even though I had some plans to sell some studd etc to pay for it those did not materialize today so I had to ask my dad and he said yes which was nice…so soon I will go to pay for the van and bern will pick it up later, No we do not live together right now…matter a fact we have signed separation papers and though I know it is and was the right thing to do since our common goal is to raise our four children as a family wheather we are married or not I still get affraid that I am going to get screwed though I have no reason to be suspicious of anything it is like for the last 5 years I was just so numb that I didnt feel anything but what I feel now is not new to me…it is something that has always been inside of me, that lack of trust in others and me waiting for the other shoe to drop….I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THAT ANYMORE…I dont like way i allow myself to feel…I still dont like to be alone..and everytime I say that I hear an echo "I am here: and it PISSES ME OFF I know my higher power is here…ALWAYS HERE EVEN WHEN I DONT WANT TO ADMIT IT…It is the human contact that I miss…not the physical but the emotional…the voice, the person in the same room…Michael is tired of hearing himself talk…I was at a meeting this afternoon…I needed it and I am heading to another tonight which is a 12 & 12 so that will be good…I enjoy the step work and seeing myself grow it is just very uncomfortable right now and I know it will be for a long time…I can accept that…doesnt mean I have to like it right now…but I will accept it…