Hello everyone, my name is Iris and recently it has been hard me for me to feel like I am really connecting with other people…  ??

Most of the time when I am out in public and feeling “normal” when I see someone smile, I want to smile back, and I feel fine.  Like there is this connection we are sharing. Sometimes I even feel pretty and proud of who (and what) I am.     🙂    We see each other in the grocery store and we don’t even question that we are there, in the same space.  We both feel comfortable and human in our skin.

But recently there has been this instant and brief moment, when self doubt pops up.  And I hear questions in my mind: Are they smiling at me or laughing at me..?  Am I passing?*  Do I look as odd as I feel on the inside?**.  We walk past each other, our carts slowly filling, do you feel my presence and aware that I am here?  Is this all just in my head? (probably).

Even though I have been living in town for a while now… has it really been more than nine months?  When I am shopping, going to the library, or just enjoying the sun while walking Bob.  I still feel like I am pretending to be “normal”.  I am out here walking around and feel vulnerable… as if I am invisible, a void in space I am not really occupying, but merely passing through.  Arrrrgh, I don’t know how to put this into words….?!?  I do not feel genuine, but a poor and unconvincing fake instead, with the reflection of a stranger.***

Like I am a foreign visitor who still does not know the local customs.  And even if it is not obvious to all the other humans out there, on the inside I feel disconnected.  Pretending to be present in this moment, but not belonging.  A helium balloon that has escaped its tether… and I feel groundless.

Q – How do you keep track of who you are on the inside, feeling secure and confident?  This is hard for me… believing in myself.  Maybe we are all insecure in our own unique ways?  Probably.

If I am not feeling self conscious, I don’t doubt myself at all… and my smile feels natural.  I am not concerned about my clothes or hair… But when the self doubt starts creeping in my smile is a fake, and I start to feel like I am wearing an ill fitting costume. Boy my mind really is rambling all over the place… Sorry for being so unfocused! 

Sending all of you some of my joy, a hug, a smile and cold kitty nose kisses – Iris

* Yes, I am transgender.

**  For all the ladies out there… Here is a question: How in the world did you get so good at putting on makeup?  Did you learn it from friends, sisters, your mom or magazines?  I was too young to remember J or mom putting on makeup. How much time does it take you? There is a reason I don’t wear much myself, and not at all when I am alone.  

***Even if I do finally have a feminine chest (sort of), hips and waist.

p.s. I will admit that I sometimes like how lipstick smells, and no, not the flavored kind.  Those tend to make my lips start to feel numb and tingly, like I just ate some carrots. (sigh)  Hey, Does eyeliner make your eyes sting or does this feeling go away?

then my mouth opens up and words come out. This part I am sure of