Some of that title came from a song, "Here Is The Light" by Ours. I love them anyone who hasn’t heard them go look ’em up. ^_^
So yesterday I faced one of my biggest fears. I went out driving alone in my car. I have not done that before, well at least as far as I went yesterday. I went on the highway to the mall and Barnes and Noble. I can’t believe I overcame my fear.
I’ve always had disturbing intrusive thoughts that stopped me from driving(from the OCD). I would hit someone on purpose, I would go on the wrong side of the road, I would forget my way, I would forget how to turn, I would kill someone, etc etc. The thoughts just get worse from there so I’ll spare anyone who reads this.
I couldn’t even get into the car, tearing up just thinking about all the possibilities I ran back inside multiple times before my mother bribed me with 50 bucks to go to Barnes and Noble with. I would not accept the money and went into my room crying, wishing I could be normal. Then I realized I was never going to get over my OCD if I never faced it. So I gathered myself up and marched downstairs, grabbing the car keys and went outside but my mother stopped me and gave me the money, even though I wasn’t doing it for the money.
She never understood my OCD and I don’t expect her to ever get it. She just assumed it’s just fear, not that it’s fears I’ve listed above. I get into the car and start tearing up again as anxiety takes hold of my body. I don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m thinking so I shove in an AFI CD to get grounded again.
The melodies soothe me but I need my Girlfriend. I called her up and she told me I could do it, and just do small steps. I dinally hung up and backed out of my drive way. I took deep breathes knowing what I was about to do. I drove up the street and towards our town library which would take me a while before I even got on the highway as a small ritual to make sure I was a "safe driver" and had "no bad intentions", which I probably shouldn’t have done as that just feeds the OCD but I had to do it. I finally make to the road that leads to the highway, and I hear Davey Havok’s voice reach out to me as I’m starting to panic the further I travel.
"Will the flood behind me put out the fire inside me?"
I froze in my thought patterns. All images dissipated and I drove forward feeling courage swell within me. "No." I said to myself firmly. "I will not let it."
The whole drive up the intersection that leads to the highway, I repeated this like a mantra, "Will the flood behind me put out the fire inside me?" It calmed me, it grounded me into reality that was far from OCD. It kept the thoughts and images at bay while I drove onward.
Every time a sinking feeling dropped in my stomach I woudl repeat those words along with, "No, I won’t. I can do this. The fire inside me won’t be out by stupid OCD. I won’t let it control me any longer. "
Finally I make to the mall exit and I’m almost crying for joy. I made more than half the way to Barnes and Noble. I couldn’t believe it and I still feel like the experience is surreal, almost like it couldn’t have actually happen. Yet the book I bought are solid evidence that I made the almost impossible journey.
I don’t know if I can do it again, but I know for a fact I CAN do it if I remain strong.
All of you can do it too. Face your fears and overcome OCD and whatever that may be dragging you down, for you are STRONG and deserve the best life possible. As long as you try and face your fear every day, each new day will become easier.