At the tender age of 22 I crawled into Alcoholics Anonymous, absolutely battered and beaten by drugs and alcohol. I didn't have the strength to get into the ring again and attempt to fight what I now believe is a disease once more. Surrender to win they told me, I couldn't quite get my head round that one, and there were plenty more paradoxes that soon followed. So with the alcohol and the drugs down I thought I was sorted. Do as they say I thought, get a sponsor and work the steps, get a god in my life, tick the boxes, work the programme. But all was not as it should be, I couldn't stop eating and I as my weight ballooned, my esteem plummeted. I got into a destructive relationship, which to this day I'm still trying to ease away from, my compulsive spending went through the roof and in a very short time my shoe collection grew beyond what one might consider sane, at one point I was buying a pair a day; don't tell my mother though she'd go through the roof. It's seems I'm a 24 carat addict, anything that takes me away from myself; even for a second, I'll use it. Food, relationships the destructive, shoes, shopping, redbull, cigarettes, caffeine, mobile phones, internet, the list is endless. Sounds like most of society to be fair, but I'm not. On the inside something quite different happens to me than normal folk. To be fair I have been getting better, 3 years into this journey and I've sought a solution to my compulsive eating which seems to be working for me, and just as one thing is sorted anther one raises it's ugly head.

I watched a TV program on sex addiction tonight, there was a women who was addicted to destructive relationships and sexual starvation. Oh dear me. You know that moment of clarity that we get, when the penny drops, we see ourselves through different eyes and think fucking hell, I'm exactly the same as you, well that's what I just had and I want to turn back the clock so that I didn't. The gift of clarity is that it presents me with a new understanding, the downside to that is that now that I know I'm presented with a choice. I either do something about it, OR I pretend that I don't have a problem live in denial and when the pain gets enough, then do something about it.

The reality is that I don't want to belong to another 12 step fellowship, this is madness! In my time so far I've been to AA, NA, OA, GSA, Coda…I wish there were CA meetings round here because being an ex coke head who's passionate about the big book, they'd be perfect for me…I could do with being a member of Alanon, ACOA, DA and now also SLAA it seems…

In reality the only fellowships I consider myself a member of is AA (for my alcoholism which I relate with my drug addiction) and GSA (for my eating disorder)…but to add another one seems crazy. But what do I do, bury my head and hope the problem goes away?!?! But on the flip side if I went to a fellowship for every one of my problems I wouldn't have enough hours in the day!

Where do we draw the line….I'll be attending a 12 step fellowship for people addicted to 12 step fellowships next! (if such a thing existed)


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