I can’t stop writing, I feel like it’s the only way for me to feel better, even if only a little bit.
I feel like screaming at my Dad, telling him that I hate his guts for everything he’s ever done to me. He deserves to suffer, he really does. He’s heartless, truly and completely devoid of love.
I wanted one of the "big" birthdays to mean something. When I turned 13, every girl I invited to my party forgot me and I didn’t get any gifts from the ones who showed up later after being reminded of their dumb "friend’s" birthday.
When I turned sixteen, Mom took me to Wal Mart and got me a stereo. Dad got me a laptop. Which he then blackmailed me with for months. So really, all he was doing was attaching another string, he didn’t do it to be nice. I didn’t learn how manipulative he was until later in life. Now, nearly 5 years later, I’m quickly approaching master status when it comes to sniffing out bullshit.
When I turned 18, my Dad choked me so hard that I think I could have died had it not been for my Mom.
When I turned 19, my boyfriend and I were just friends. He asked if I wanted a gift and I felt weird about it so I said no. He bought his ex something instead.
My 20th birthday was supposed to be better. But then my boyfriend’s parents wouldn’t let him come see me and I spent it alone.
And that brings me to my 21st. I’m not doing anything and Dad hates my guts. I’m used to it though, I don’t think he loves me. I don’t think he’s capable of it. When he’s around his friends, he is happy…or at least he acts like he is to keep people from seeing what kind of monster he really is… But even then he’s hateful. He talks about us with them, tells us how disgusting and horrible we are. When he’s with us, he’s downright nasty. He hates us even being near him. Always has.
So yeah, this birthday, I’m not getting along with either of my parents because my Dad is being a bitch and my Mom is his bitch. And my boyfriend is 3000 miles away and I have no where to go and no friends. I have no major, I have no direction. I can’t even put my money in my bank account because my Dad monitors it but I have no choice, he’ll ask about it anyways.
I’m so sore and worn out. I was supposed to do my laundry and crap but I forgot and I didn’t even make my lunch for tomorrow. Maybe I just won’t eat, it tends to take the extra zing out of me.