I don’t want to make any decisions. I don’t want to figure anything. I don’t want to know, or remember anything. I just wanna f@ck up. I want it so badly, right now. Not even the act of doing it… I just want to turn myself off, and when I last felt I had to choose between offing myself, or shooting up, I picked heroin. Of course it’s a false dichotomy, but no one ever accused me of being terribly rational. I’m crazy, right? Why not act like it?
"And I hate the thought
of what you are, I’m not
but I’ll do my best to pass your test
if you’re sure I’m what you want
But, don’t you lie
Don’t you even try
If I catch you there, in despair
I swear I’m leaving you behind
I’m going to walk right up, and take my shot
I’m going to walk right up, and take my
But, if I get it right, will you turn?
But, if I get it right, will you turn?"
I remember Charlie showing me an old entry in his journal that started something like, "Here I sit, about to f@ck up, again." He went on to speculate that there are mistakes you get something out of, and mistakes that just cost you something. He figured at least he got something out of this. He concluded: "at least I never have to make the mistake of school, again." He was done with college by then. I loved college. I miss being in school so much.
I hate that I haven’t finished school, yet, but there are monetary issues to be addressed (as with everything, and everyone is struggling these days).
Anyway, I thought about those ideas – about screwing up, and what happens when you accept that you are about to do something stupid, and that you’re okay with that. Enough so that you’re willing to do it, anyway. I wasn’t at all comfortable the first time I did smack but I did it anyway.
"But if I get it right will you turn
around, and face what you’ve become?
Around, and face what you’ve become…" ("Turn" Lying In States)