I know the feeling of not being able to feel emotions. It’s like waking up from a nightmare that you didn’t know you could dream about with your eyes open. I know the type of feeling of empty where you don’t know what’s going on but you feel so alone. I wish I could sleep forever since my only escape from reality is when my eyes are closed. I went through a traumatic experience at such a young age. I felt unwanted and a burden. I use to feel pain all throughout my body and even eating became a difficulty. I know it’s even hard to get out of bed and shower. Depression can come in any ages. Some adults think us kids are fine when we aren’t. We fake smiles and laugh at serious things just because we don’t know how to feel anymore. I heard my own mother say “You’re only 14! Your feelings don’t matter!”. After that day I never opened up to anyone. I never smiled for real, I felt like I was alone.
Losing hope and yourself at the same time is triggering. I got diagnosed with depression, ADHD, bipolar disorder and anxiety. Even worse that I am part of the LG(B)TQ+ community and my parents are homophobic right? I got yelled at saying I am going to hell for such a sin by my mother. My dad has gotten better at my emotions and is trying to be supportive and helpful. It wasn’t always like that but once I tried to kill myself with slitting my wrist he took me seriously. I know you feel so worthless of life and you think so little of yourself. I do too trust me I hated/hate myself to the point where I couldn’t look myself in the mirror anymore cause I am so disgusted with myself. I wonder why I wasn’t a girl with a perfect body. I wonder why my parents were always mad and disappointed in me. I look at my school work and see 100+ missing assignments. My parents would yell at me for my grades but had no idea I was trying not to kill myself. I was fighting battles with myself for years and no one had any idea. I looked fine on the outside but in the inside I was dying. I was cutting myself to feel a physical pain to escape my mental pain. I lied about who I was just so I didn’t have to put up with my sad reality. I lied to my friend about how I was doing because I knew they didn’t care. Some “friends” they are right? Having no one else to talk to sucks more. Being alone mentally was bad enough but not trusting anyone or cannot open up hurts more. You start to bottle up your emotions until you can’t feel anymore. I did the same thing.
I am currently dating someone who is willing to hear me out and help me in anyway. You would think after 2 years of constantly feeling depressed/suicidal he would have left right? He stayed by my side even as my bestfriend. At first I know it’s going to feel like nobody is there for you. I’m still going through that feeling but I promise they’re people out there who cares and are willing to hear you out. The feeling of numbness will eventually go away within time. Everything takes time! I know you hate hearing “It takes time” and or “Time heals pain”. I always hate when my boyfriend says that but he’s right. It will take time! Not just time but it will take motivation and a positive mindset to reach the high point in your life. Someone out there (even a complete stranger) is willing to hear you out. Do not think you do not matter. You matter to someone! If not someone you know than you matter to me.
It’s going to be okay I promise. Keep staying strong you are doing great so far! Look how many years you stayed alive. I am so proud of you all for fighting this and keep on winning. I’m always here to talk 🙂