My problem I think is circular thinking. I have such anger about the state of my life and the situation I've "found" myself in. Why did I ever use drugs? Why wasn't I smart enough to give them up when I found it it would cost me my marriage if I didn't? How could I have put getting high above keeping the family unit together for the sake of my children, evenfor one second? Why have I effectively lost 20 years of my life just cos I wanted to get high? Why am I stuck in a job that I sort of hate because I actually do feel responsibility towards my kids? Why do I have to live thousands of miles away from my family and friends because I love them so much? Why can I not form close relationships because of my tenous mental state? Why am I so stupid as to have brought this state of affairs down on myself? As you can see I have no one to blame for this situation but myself..I am taking very slow steps to rectify these things, obviously my marriage is long dead but I am hugely fortunate to have a very good relationship with my still young children. Loneliness and anomie are huge factors in my illness however, and I internalise this anger which manifests itself in anxiety and depression..I was sitting here 2 or 3 days ago not moving from the couch for about 2 days just wanting to die…the relief came from simply having a nice discussion about some irrelevancies with a nice older lady at my work..meaningful human contact is something I crave, but also fear, I think..meanwhile I continue thinking in circles, an endless stream of negativity and futile anger which sucks me down repeatedly..and I have no one to blame but myself.