My problem I think is circular thinking. I have such anger about the state of my life and the situation I've "found" myself in. Why did I ever use drugs? Why wasn't I smart enough to give them up when I found it it would cost me my marriage if I didn't? How could I have put getting high above keeping the family unit together for the sake of my children, evenfor one second? Why have I effectively lost 20 years of my life just cos I wanted to get high? Why am I stuck in a job that I sort of hate because I actually do feel responsibility towards my kids? Why do I have to live thousands of miles away from my family and friends because I love them so much? Why can I not form close relationships because of my tenous mental state? Why am I so stupid as to have brought this state of affairs down on myself? As you can see I have no one to blame for this situation but myself..I am taking very slow steps to rectify these things, obviously my marriage is long dead but I am hugely fortunate to have a very good relationship with my still young children. Loneliness and anomie are huge factors in my illness however, and I internalise this anger which manifests itself in anxiety and depression..I was sitting here 2 or 3 days ago not moving from the couch for about 2 days just wanting to die…the relief came from simply having a nice discussion about some irrelevancies with a nice older lady at my work..meaningful human contact is something I crave, but also fear, I think..meanwhile I continue thinking in circles, an endless stream of negativity and futile anger which sucks me down repeatedly..and I have no one to blame but myself.

2 Comments
  1. SaltWaterDrinker 9 years ago

     I second what Lyra said.  Addiction isn't about weak will and a too strong desire to party. It's a strong force, but one that people can and do overcome when they're psychologically ready to address the physiological hookedness.  

    I hope that in addition to giving yourself some credit, you are able to find a way to shed some of this self-blame and guilt. Taking responsibility is one thing–a necessary one–but beating yourself up constantly is only going to keep you going round in that circle.  You can't ever feel crappy enough to change what's already happened.  Talking to yourself less hyperbolically, with more kindness and respect, will give you more energy to make the changes you want to make, and also, to make them stick.

    The Buddhist term for this kindness towards the self (an anemic translation) is maitri.  Pema Chodron writes really beautifully about it. (She's also done great work on the Tibetan term "shenpa," which means something like "attachment" or "hookedness."  I think the CDs were entitled Getting Unstuck.  I listened to them because of certain really sticky behavioral and emotional habits of mine, but it was clear that many of the people in the audience were there because of addictions.  She's a sane, humane voice. I've found her books really helpful.)

    Anyway, enough rambling. Good luck to you!!

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  2. jamborobin 9 years ago

    Thanks for your comments guys, I really really appreciate them…44 I am a real raw rookie when it comes to meditation and I am finding when I am deep in the mental morass it's basically impossible for me to concentrate enough to stop thinking as much as I try..I am trying to still my mind with shamatha and if I can succeed with that then that allows me the mental room to attempt metta…I have made an appointment with my GP for Monday so I may go back on some medication alas, if I had family or social support and some time away from work I may have found the strength to continue striving to be med-free but unfortunately neither of those things are viable…of course I will continue with the meditation as it is a comfort as long as I am not so low in mood as to be suicidal!

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