Slowly recovering from the other day’s viloent illness. Still shaky, and moody. I feel pretty weary, and even faint at times, but I generally feel a hell of a lot stronger than I did a short time ago. And old (smack) dealer called me today to tell me he was "back on" – I told him I was off, and that was that was that. I got offered more free sh*t, and of course, turned it down. I tell you, when you want to kick, your drug of choice pops up everywhere, like that sh*t’s stalking your ass. But, when you’re hooked, and you want some, forget about it. Haha… that’s how it goes.
My net access was out, earlier.
Anyway, for now I am hanging out with Charlie, and we’re about to eat a rocking meal. We’re hanging out. Had to turn my damn fridge down. It ruined a perfectly good bag of mixed greens by frosting them (further evidence, technology hates me).
Charlie’s home today. We argued about some stupid sh*t this a.m. – never anything important. But, mostly we get along. We just never talk about the stuff that actually needs to be sorted out. I thought it would get clearer once we’d gotten through the kick. I was wrong. I understand less than before. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I’ve tried not to think about it – to focus on taking care of myself, but it’s hard not to have a plan. I know… plans are usually horse sh*t anyway. You wanna make God laugh, you make a [email protected] plan, right? But, I usually need to have a WORKING plan, to feel in control. I don’t feel in control. I feel like I’ve relinquished the one control I really knew how to seize (controlling the presence or absence of my emotions with very powerful drugs – I think at some point I think I came to shutting off my feelings as an alternative to suicide). Not that I am in any way as tough or brave as these cats, but the best comparison that comes to mind is a person who’s been paralyzed, relearning how to do everything. I’m relearning how to experience things. Life on it’s own damn terms (to some extent, anyway)…
Charlie scared the hell out of a guy who’d been stalking my friend Maria. Didn’t threaten or touch him (too smart for that), just got in his face and told him it better stop. Charlie can seem threatening when it means enough to him (haha). And, this guy was a squirrelly piece of sh*t. He cornered Maria when we weren’t watching, but Charlie swooped in and got in his face, and dude looked like he was gonna sh*t his pants. He probably cried when we left. Haha… [email protected] bullies…
I hope you’re all doing well. My nerves are pretty frayed today, for some reason, but I will be okay. Planning to talk to Ace at some point – that always makes me feel a little better about things. He is the most amazing person. I am so lucky we became friends when we did. I probably wouldn’t be here, otherwise. I really don’t think I would have hung on without his help. I remember a movie called "Oh God" wherein the protagonist tells God at one point, (something like) look at all the strife and pain in the world, we need HELP. And God says, "that’s why I gave you each other." We really can take care of each other, but we rarely do. Ace is a very unique, very wonderful person. He didn’t just care – he put everything he was into helping me, and he saved my life.
DT has been really good for me that way. You’re all really helpful to me.
It’s nice outside – sweater weather. And, I really need to eat. I am still hanging in, and holding on, breathing deeply when necessary. I will try to write more later. For now, it’s tofurkey and DS9.