So the following was a 5:57 to 6:18am stream of consciousness rambling mess that I recorded. And now it’s just sitting there in my phone and I have no idea what to do with it. Side note teddy is my dog.

I woke up at 4 AM crying I cried about things that happened I cried about things that didn’t. I cried because there was something inside of me that just needed to scream and it wasn’t screaming and I tried to make it to scream I’m crying right now and I just keep crying whether it’s sobbing heaving gasps or it’s just tears going down the side of my face in silence it just comes in cycles my nose is so stuffed up I can’t breathe out of it and my stomach feels so sick I think I’m gonna throw up but I know I’m not I know I’m not gonna throw up it just feels like it and my head keeps hurting I keep deep deep breathing but it’s not helping I listen to the anxiety attack walk-throughs three things I can see three things I could feel three things I could hear I say that I described them and it just keeps coming my legs are hot and it’s uncomfortable lying in bed but when I try to get up and go to the couch I woke teddy up and that filled me with guilt I didn’t wanna wake Teddy up but I need something that’s breathing so I snuggle with her tighter and she just keeps licking my face and it doesn’t feel ok it does not it feels wrong so I turned around and I leave her alone and I woke her up for nothing that feels bad I turn over in bed because if I can’t leave the room at least I can find a cooler spot in bed so instead of my head on my pillow it’s at the foot of my bed because the spot is a little cooler and my legs my legs are feeling hot and awful I didn’t like it and I can’t think I can’t think so I can’t describe this I can’t describe what I’m feeling except to speak out it’s a stream of consciousness in the middle of the night because I’ve been awake since 4 AM and it’s about to be six and I’m still crying I was still crying and it still keeps coming back in waves whether I’m sobbing or screaming or just lying there with tears going down my face not a sound coming out of my mouth and my head hurting and my gut turning I feel like I’m gonna throw up but I won’t throw up so there’s no point in taking anything because I’m not throwing up so there’s nothing to stop it’s just what I feel like this is tonight other nights this happens and it’s different it feels like it’s my chest hurting it’s my arm hurting it’s my back hurting it’s my hip hurting it’s my lungs not feeling like I get enough air it’s feeling like my brain won’t shut up long enough for me to sleep it’s laying with my head off the bed because nothing else makes sense so why should this makes sense it’s putting pressure somewhere so it’s not somewhere else it’s my face burning my face is burning hot right now so I keep pushing down on it with my cold hands my hands are always cold until they’re not and that everything feels wrong I want an ice pack but I don’t want to get up and go to the kitchen because I might wake someone up I might start the dogs and I know that of those things don’t matter because you just tell the dogs to shut up when they bark too much but it still feels like an intrusion it still feels like it’s not OK what am I supposed to do to help I supposed to explain this because Even with how weird I am just talking about everything that I feel there’s 1000 things I don’t have words for that don’t come out of my mouth this happens and I don’t even feel better when it’s over I just feel numb numb I start looking forward to numb instead of feeling happy I feel numb because sometimes that’s the closest I get to happy is numb I probably I probably have woken up Teddy three times tonight and she goes right back to sleep each time and I wish I could go back to sleep but I feel like I’m just gonna be awake forever and my head still hurts and I’m still deep breathing and my stomach still feels like I’m going to throw up but I have to explain how I feel and this is the best I’ve got this is the best I’ve got for how I feel and it doesn’t even make sense why did I wake up feeling like this I don’t even know there’s 12 different things to cry about and I can’t even list A single one of them because I can’t remember what the hell I was crying about but they were there they were happening I was screaming in a pillow and I don’t even know what I was screaming about because I was done screaming and it’s gone now how do you process emotions when you don’t remember what emotions you had just that they hurt just that they were scary and they made me cry and I felt sick to my stomach. And now I’m cold and I’m shaking and my face and my legs are still hot