1. So I think I have really bad social anxiety. It is really hard to deal with. One of the things I hate about it is that I am super awkward around guys, so much so I have yet to be on a real date or have my first kiss.  I know it seems like a stupid thing to be upset about.  I am terrified of when i might actually go on a date. I will probably embarrass myself so much and make things super awkward. And last night I went to homecoming with one of my friends. He was super sweet about it and acted all gentlemanly. But I made everything super awkward as usual because I was terrified of saying or doing something stupid. I wasn\\\’t even on a date and he  is one of my good friends but I was still super awkward.  And I feel really bad because I don\\\’know if some of the things I did or said made him have a bad night. And I cried myself to sleep after my senior homecoming.  And I really hate that I ruin every important event in my life with the depression and anxiety like first day of senior year gen I cried the whole way home. I don\\\’t know how to help it. I hate it so much. I really want to fix it before I go to college so I might actually be able to go on a date and have fun and not worry bout every little thing I do and if it was wrong or stupid.  It makes everything so hard and it\’s always for stupid reasons.  I feel like if someone falls in love with me then I guess I have a reason to live.   But I know it’s stupid and I should live cause I want to but that’s kinda hard when I hate myself.

2 Comments
  1. bridgie101 4 years ago

    We don’t do anything stupid at the party – we are normal at the time. That’s why we don’t have an attack at the time.

    but the chemical processes we undergo make us obsess about the sentence or the gesture or the smile that we made…. and turns it into a boogie monster by feeding us huge quantities of adrenaline while we remember it.

    It’s not real. It’s not real. Have you seen anyone about getting some kind of medication to help you get through this phase?

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  2. beautifulchaos95 4 years ago

    Hi there,
    I was so much like you when I was younger, I could have written your post myself. I related to it so much that I felt like I had to reply. As someone who has dealt with both depression and anxiety her whole life, I think my late teenage years were the most challenging. At that point, you are really just figuring out who you are, and there are a lot of uncertainties about the future that are enough to cause even a healthy person a good share of worries.
    I had extremely low self-esteem when I was a teenager, and I also had crippling social anxiety. You are not alone. I didn’t go on my first date until I was 18 years old, and it was with a guy that my best friend had set me up with. I ended up liking him a lot, but I don’t think he even realized it. I remember being so awkward and shy that I was panicking on the inside the whole time he held my hand on one of our dates. We went out a few times and the most he ever did was kiss me on the cheek. Even that terrified me at the time! He eventually started seeing another girl… (we were never officially a couple). He didn’t talk to me anymore and at the time I was crushed. Looking back on it, I can see that we weren’t the right people for each other at all. At the time, though, I was so hurt that my depression got much worse.
    I also didn’t have sex for the first time until I was twenty-two. At the time, I thought that was horribly embarrassing, but looking back now, I am actually glad that I waited until I was more mature. Eventually, the right person came along, and now, at age 30, I am happily engaged. I still battle depression and anxiety, but it is not the same as it used to be. My life is more stable now. I seek help for my mental health. I take a medications for both my depression and anxiety. That’s not to say that I don’t have bad days sometimes, but it’s much more manageable than it used to be.
    My biggest message to you is that there are more people out there like you than you think there are. I wanted to share my story with you to hopefully make you feel less alone. I also know that one of the very hardest things to do is to talk to others about your mental health. It can be incredibly scary to talk about it, but I have come to find that most people are much more kind and understanding than you’d expect them to be.
    If you are able to do so, I would talk to your doctor and see if you are able to get on some medication to help you. If you can’t do it right now, remember that when you go to college, there will be a doctor on campus that you can go and see. Colleges also typically always have free counseling offered to students, and talking to a therapist can be very beneficial. You’ll find that a lot more people do it than you’d think!
    Just know that things do get better. And when you find the right guy, things will just click. You’ll find that you are able to feel comfortable around him and even share your behavioral health concerns. The right person will understand. I know how tough it is at your point in life, but I promise you, it won’t be this way forever. Focus on YOU right now and take care of yourself, because that is what is most important. I wish you all the best.

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