I do love my boyfreind. But around 3 weeks after I had our baby, he told me he’d never found me physically attractive, admitted to leering at women (and looking is very different) to looking at other girls and imagining himself with them, wondering if he’d be ‘better off’… etc. And this at a time when I’d lost everything – at least, that’s how it felt. I was an obese child and was bullied for years (he knew this) when I met him I was a UK 12, and was very soon a size 10. But he kept going on about losing wieght, how I could be ‘better’, etc. I refused point blank to go any smaller (for my size it would have been unhealthy, and I had 2 heart attacks at 16 and 17 because of an obssession with being slim, which he also knew). then I got pregnant and inspite of saying so for months, he suddenly decided he wasn’t sure he loved me and wanted to be with me (all because I didn’t feel I could cope with abortion – and my dr advised against it after all else I’d been through, in my bf’s presence.) We had rows, but stayed together but all along I felt there was something very wrong somewhere, then one day I realised all of the things he finally admitted to. I had suspected, but he was so nice on other occasions. He mocked my appearance and made out it was a joke, only for me to discover that if he always felt I was physically inadequate, he meant all those things.
It has been about a month since that revelation. I asked that we adopt our baby, as I wasn’t ready to be a parent. He insisted that we’d do whatever I want (inspite of my expressing doubts that he was really ok with it) and said to wait till she was born and see how felt – to which I reluctantly agreed. When she was born I felt the same way and he seemed shocked. He refused to give her up for adoption, so I either had to leave the man I love, or stay and be a mum too. I stayed, though finding out what I did 3 weeks later, I in a sense regret it. Of course, 3 months on I love my baby (which as horrible as it sounds, I also regret), but I’m still not over all the things he said. I have taken to drinking heavily whenever he, or someone else, is around to take my baby. I have very, very low self-esteem. but until very recently I felt guilty, because I didn’t feel confident enough to believe I was entitled to still feel bad about everything. But 2 days ago I saw a phsychiatrist, and she was horrified (though tried to conceal it) and said I had every right to be depressed and upset. Up until 2 weeks ago I was debating whether or not to leave him. Then I decided I had to make it work. But now someone has come along and plucked from the recesses of my brain my real feelings and doubts, I’m in a quandry again. I love him and hate him at the same time. It’s only been 2 months, but he has tried to change. But in the last week, he started to make the odd joke about my appearence… we had sex yesterday, and I was feeling low before (though being nice to him) and after I felt better. He said ‘well, I bet you feel better now!@ to which I replied, with a light-hearted laugh “well, they do actually recommend sex for depression…” and his response was: “yeah, well, anything for charity…”
That made me feel 1 inch tall. Is he just incredibly tactless?! I don’tin my heart believe he has changed and my fear is I’m just waiting for him to do the worst (say, cheat on me, or something) before I feel strong enough to leave him. Which is obviously not a good approach to a relationship of any sort.
My phsychiatrist sussed me out completely, as no-one has ever been able to do before, and yes, I realise, because of my bf i have terrible self-esteem. He has changed alot since we had the major row, but I do not feel confident that it is a genuine change. I can’t help thinking if he could treat me with so little respect and so much contempt before, surely that is who he is – and the biggest shock was I didn’t realise it till I accused him of it – alot of it was a shot in the dark. that he admitted to it was a huge, ugly shock for me. I feel so bad about my life in general. I’m so angry with him and hurt, but in such a horribly passive way. I feel I’ve lost sight of my rights, and what I should or shouldn’t be doing, and am only focusing on feeding my baby and keeping her happy. I don’t know, honestly, how to respond to this situation anymore. All I know is that he has made me feel worthless, and that when I met him I felt like a million dollars. That he has crushed my confidence by what he said and that isn’t going to go away for a long time. He says sorry every time we argue about it, and I’m angry at myself for not letting it go. But I also know he’s the kind of person who will do as little as he has to, and by saying sorry, he may be as much keeping the peace as meaning it. I’m so confused.