I attended church today… as the priest was doing his sermon, my mind was wandering as I could not understand what he was saying because of his thick accent. I really don't know how my thoughts jumped to this but suddenly I was wondering what medicines to take in case I wanted to commit suicide. I was thinking of the quickest way to die. If antihistamines would do the trick since I don't know any drugs with sleeping side effects that would be easily accessible over the counter.Would they hurt? Or will I just sleep and suddenly stop breathing? How many tablets do I need to take to do the trick? Then I thought about hanging myself but that was just too messy. As I was undecided on what to do, I thought of what I would say on my suicide note. As far as I am concerned it is only my father who would be sad if I do die. My mother has never had any high expectations from me (as I recently found out), my sister hates me and would probably celebrate my demise and my brother doesn't care for me or our family for that matter.

On my letter I would probably say I am sorry to my father. As a papa's girl my father has always been my number 1 supporter. I I would say I am sorry I broke his heart and I have failed him as a daughter. I would be sad that I can never hug him or laugh with him. I would say to my mother that I tried very hard to be the perfect daughter but I am sorry I always fall short on her expectations. I could never be a beautiful, smart, responsible, dutiful enough daughter to her. I am sorry I could never provide her with grandkids and enough money to make her life comfortable. By taking my own life I would have probably shamed her to her church friends. I would tell my sister that this is the moment that she has been waiting for…my ultimate failure.I hope my death finally causes her happiness and a feeling of triumph. I would tell my brother to be more involved in the family and have better relationship with them. I would tell them that I have chosen this path and they should be happy for me because I am now at peace.

Would I ever write this down in a piece of paper or will it forever be only in my mind? Who knows…

1 Comment
  1. maycee 8 years ago

    Be who you want to be!  Celebrate who you are and every small task you accomplish.  This is your life not anyone elses.  Continue to be grateful and thankful for your father and what a blessing he is in your life.  I would suggest therapy and a support group.  They do make a difference.  And you are worth the FIGHT!!!  (((HUGS))) 

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