i have none of these anymore. this is a short blog, cause i am going to lay down in my bed in a few minutes so i can get up later and do housework & laundry. I work every day. two jobs. I'm glad i'm working so I am not destitute, but it is becoming very hard. I do it to pay my bills but also to set aside my thoughts. when I leave my Job(s), I am very tired. I have no friends, I have no money, only debt. I have lost every thing, and everyone I love over the last four years. My world is so empty, I just don't see the point in going on. In January, I had to have my old dog, Sherman, put to sleep. It was horrible, horrible, and nightmarish. he was all i had left and i blame myself…It was my fault. Who am I to judge the end of life for a poor animal, when I can't even do that for myself. So faith, you know, it is a waste of time, it is a fool's dream. And hope, is just some silly concept mankind has made up so we go on living when we should be dead. And love, love dies, it always dies…and when it dies, it takes faith and hope along with it.

for 4 long years, I've tried to hang on to these virtues, believe in them…but all those four years turned out to be were days that bring me closer to the 10,000 days before my death, as my psychiatrist told me 4 years ago. Well, as he said that, I just count down the days. that's all it is ….a countdown. I've made it through over 4 years now. So, I guess it's only eight thousand and something…and I dread every one of them. I don't fear death…but I do fear dying. and I fear trying to die and surviving. I wish I could ask to be put to sleep like my dog. I wish that were a legal reality. He went peaceful…he didn't know, or maybe he did, where I was taking him and why. I would go gladly, knowing where, and knowing why, and i would kiss the hand of the one who allowed it, and bless them. I swear, it is harder and harder to go on…. my heart has been broken into such tiny pieces, I don't know why, damn it, why, it continues to beat its somber rhythm. Silencio, por favor, mi corazon.

1 Comment
  1. ladygreen 10 years ago

    I am sorry for all you have been through.  I relate to the loss of love and the devestation that comes with it.  It makes you question everything you have held to be true.  I know it is extremely hard to hold onto anything.  From experience, I can tell you that it can slowly get better.  The pain never goes away but you learn to function again.

    In my opinion, I do believe that life is about the connections we make with others.  Caring for and about each other. 

    Please don't stop reaching out.  Please continue to share yourself with others.    Take care of YOU! 

     

     

     

     

     

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