I am goal oriented.  Once I have my mind set on something, I become so fixated that it consumes my thoughts and reality.

Also, my marriage is currently on life support.  And I want to save it.  As you can imagine, THIS has become my goal. Ways in which to improve my responses, my behavior, and to lure my way back into my spouse’s heart are my every day existence.

What doesn’t help is that he is the one who decided he wants out.  So each new day, it’s like that movie 50 First Dates, in which he wakes up with amnesia, but in this case it’s regarding anything he likes about me and starts the day with fresh new hate.  Avoiding me and any eye contact, for the most part.  And each new day, I love and charm and bring my best self to the table.  Some days I’m rewarded with a small gratitude from him or a smirk (smiles are a rare occurrence) and on the best days, physical intimacy.

Other days, the day just unfolds from bad to worse.  Whether it’s my communication that is taken the wrong way, or whether I actually did do something that I have to hold myself accountable for, the day just ends on a bad note.  On these days, it doesn’t usually start over with a blank slate, unfortunately, it goes into the piggy bank of Reasons I Suck and then a one-sided Cold War ensues for some time.  (We all have our own ways of dealing with anger; he broods.)

I’ve realized my goal is wrong.  The above is exhausting.  So, I asked myself today,

“What would I be focused on if I were already in the marriage of my dreams?” 

Well, it would no longer be my marriage, because that would be dreamy!  🙂  It would be something else.  I decided it would be finding joy in every day.  (Cheesy, perhaps.  But it’s what my life feels like it needs right now – a little Joy Injection.)

So, the new plan is to act as if I’m already in the relationship of my dreams.  Being so focused on rebuilding the connection with him, I realized I’m trying to manipulate an outcome that is out of my control.  Acting like I’m already in the relationship of my dreams, I can focus on things that make me happy and share with him the love that will be exuding from me without the focus on whether or not it’s making him happy (I cannot control his happiness).  This is far more empowering to me and the awareness of it makes it feel like a burden has been lifted.

(Quick disclaimer, I am having this experience – The Life Support Marriage – due to my own, past behavioral contributions to the relationship.  Simply put, I didn’t know what I didn’t know.  I have since learned about and have implemented new, healthier ways of relating in intimate relationships and continue to lay the new foundation since the breakdown.  Those skills will not go away with this new focus.  Still learning every day.)  🙂