It has been a minute since I have blogged.
Life has not been pretty. But it is ok, I survived. I’m here, jotting down my thoughts as if that is going to make any kind of difference. BTW this app doesn’t have grammar check and it really STRESSES ME OUT!
Seriously though, if you really think about it..who the hell..when they are going through their dark and low times is going to stop and be like..”oh wait a sec..let me write all this down” when you are in the “Bell Jar” which by the way is one of my most favorite books EVER..the last thing you are thinking of is sharing your sadness and suicidal thoughts with the world. At least I dont, when I am knee deep in it..I completely shut myself away from everyone, no one knows what I go through but me. It is after it passes that I share. IDK. these past coupe weeks have been HARD. Plus in 2 days is my wedding anniversary..we would have been married..well HELLA years. Instead, I will visit his grave. It sucks, it is SO HARD because there are so many strong emotions I feel, sad, anger, hate, he did SO much to me, left me a complete mental and emotional wreck, but then there are the good memories I have, we were together since we were teens, he’s the dad of my kids..ugh it tears me to pieces. He’s been gone for years and still I have nightmares of him, and still I see/hear/feel signs of him. You would think knowing this comes around the same day every year, there would be a way to prepare myself, well guess what? there is NO WAY to prepare for this! I currently am living life sober, clean and unmedicated and you know what? its freaking HARD!!!! I don’t know how you people can do this. I am not really equiped to FEEL my way through life.
Im just rambling on, I don’t know what to do.