I had a therapist video appointment yesterday. I fessed up on everything. On having cut myself and relapsing over the holidays and detoxing and how close to being homeless I really am, how hard it's been to separate from my family and try to adjust to the outside world and how I don't feel I fit in with "regular" people. I don't know if it was the fact that she caught me right after having wasted, at least, 2 hours, with my roomate, hearing aout a pyramid scam, when I though I was being offered an actual art job interview, or the fact I felt more comfortable to cry at home, than I do in front of her, in her office but I let it out. I cried and cried. She said I was more depressed than she'd seen me in a while. I'm just so confused as to how to get back on my feet right now. She suggested I apply for Section 8 housing because honestly, living with my oblivious and uncooperative roommate does me more harm than provide safety. I literally am confident that I could kill mysel wih him inside the house and him not notice I died, until he happens to walk out and find me. I mean, seriously, after the session, I was distraught and overwhlemed and fetal positioned myself inside the covers in his bed and he just proceeded to play video games and laugh his ass off as I retreated internally for the rest of the day. I couldn't do it. I couldnt think anymore, I couldn't feel anymore. I needed to sleep. So I did, all the way until today. I don't feel like speaking to anybody. I was going to visit my sis up North for her birthday and finally see if I ccould see my friend, u in Gainsville. Nope. The handle of the shower faucet roke and now I have to miraculously find a way to clean up ALL of my hoarder's house, all by myself. My therapist asked if I could ask one of my guy friend's for help, who I usually do but he's moving to Orlando and, lately, if I don't contact him, he won't contact me. He says he was "just about to call me" when I do but, c'mon. Fuck that bullshit! I'm just tired of caring for people who, even if I tell them "Hey, I'm in a really desperate situation and I need your help" they just keep on goig about as if nothing's ever that serious. It's like I'm repeating a cycle of living and friending people who just don't give a shit as much as I would. Enough. It doesn't help I feel harrowingly lonely, deep down, but hey, what else is new? "What else is new?!" is exactly what I told my therapit when she told me I was very depressed. She urged me to go inppatient or at least PHP, and that if I felt I was going to harm myself, go to the ER. I have been half a mind to send her the pictures of my ounds, when I did them and how fast I was able to recover and even dimisnish my scars, with the self-care I gave myself. Aloe and Biotin can work wonders! However, she stated "That's not acceptable", when I told her I had a problem with going to the ER and that I could bandage myself up fine and recoer and live the next day. I UNDERSTAND. In her position,I take me somewhere too. I just want support. I need help. This Mental Health Center near home takes orever to let ou into a program. I don't have money to rent anywhere. Appart from my therapist, really, I don't have a real, present support system. I bet my friend from Gainsville is mad at me as hell because really, I don't even know how to be a full-fledged, independent adult. Fuuuuuuck!!! All I get is judgement and neglect. Sure, I have to take care of myself. But what the fuck does that mean when you don't have enough cash for food, clothes, shelter or an accredited education and you'redisabled? I am trying to do the right thing. I'm scared of ending up in a scary publichospital. I just don't know what to do any more. I guess I'll start y looking for Section 8 housing, possibly going to a food pantry and asking my roomate for some small form of help in cleaning up the mess that is our house. I'm tired of living in such a wretched, abandoned way.

1 Comment
  1. alexsophia88 7 years ago

    Thanks. Also, I know we feel damaged but frankly, what I keep noticing, more and more, is that if society backed us up a bit more, we wouldn\'t feel so alone or broken. In reality we are very strong individuals, not \”damaged\” but hurt and in need of reasonable help. I\'m also sure we probably see a lot of things most don\'t. It\'s just hard. The journey\'s hard. That\'s why groups like these are so essential when we\'re down and out. I know this is a long response. I guess I don\'t want us to believe we are anything like \”damaged goods\”, you know?

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