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Seth is laying down for a nap before work. It\'s just me and the kids. I feel so alone when he is not around. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I love my daughter don\'t get me wrong, but sometimes I want to talk to someone who is not 2 years old. I should make more time to get out and to hang out with people. But, there is so much to do at home it would make more work for me if I went out. I couldn\'t imagine being without my girls. I would feel guilty about not being home cleaning or taking care of them. Who would step in and do the dishes or clean the toilet, in reality…..no one. It would be there waiting for me, and it would be all I could think about. My life is so boring I have nothing better to do than be anxious and think. It is a deadly circle, always going in the same direction and headed to the same place….no where. I wish I could escape sometimes, but then I will feel guilty and like a bad mom. I don\'t know why my perception is so out of whack. I know that logically taking some time for me does not make me a bad mom and not cleaning the toilet every day does not make me a bad person or a scumy person. I know that it would be fine to just leave the dishes in the sink or the clutter on the floor for now, but I just can\'t. The thought of living in filth would consume me and I would feel like I was failing as a mother. I am always thinking I am a bad mom or I am not doing good enough, even though people say the opposite everyday and I have clean, fed, polite, beautiful, smart girls. I don\'t understand this thing that is wrong with me. I am so mad at it. I hate it. It feels like there is two different brains in my head. One is logical and actual and one is crazy. Just being able to breathe without consciously thinking about it……luxury.


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