Wow… A lot has happened… I got a job… I got a car… I have insurance and I drive just about everywhere. It's so exciting… Liberating because I'm finally get the freedom that I needed, wanted, deserved… Yet… Why do I feel so… Just so not. I swear the only time that I feel like… alive. Excited. Just plain happy is with my boyfriend and his friends. And that shouldn't be a thing.
I'm working all the time, school all the time. Homework. Social life. It's exhausting. I'm constantly getting up earlier everyday because of it. Exhausting. I work in a restraunt (as just about everything but a cook and a manager) where probably my whole income is the tips (Haven't got my first paycheck yet because they held back the first one and it's a biweekly thing. ButI work below minimum wage so…) I have to smile and be happy and upbeat for how ever long I work that night. If it gets busy, I can't panic. If something wrong happens,I can't freak out. I have to put a quick pep in my step to fix it without screaming. I have to deal with assholes on a regular basis and can't say anything about it.
When coming home, at first I had to deal with a screaming mother because she thought she was protecting me and saying that I'm exhausting myself. Or saying that I am staying out too late when I honestly can't help it the majority of the time. Now, after having a semi long talk about not only that but about the fact that her boyfriend's kids are now staying with us, in a small ass trailor, I come home to three bratty kids who think they know everything and one exhausted mother. I don't come home to her boyfriend thankfully because he had to switch shifts to get them to school and bring them back home. However it's all the same. I had to give up half of my room. Throw away some clothes to make room for one of the kid's clothes. I have to hear her talking 24/7 because she is eleven and doesn't know when to shut up. I have to mess up my whole bedtime ruitine for her.
In the mornings I get up to wash the dishes that they used to make dinner and warm my car, now I have to get ice and snow off of it. I have to get my bag for school ready, gather my work uniform because I know that I work right after school and have no time to dilly dally. I drive myself and a couple friends to school while laughing about whatever. I get breakfast and head to class to start the long and exhausting day.
It's because a habit. A runt. An exhausting time. The only unpredictable time is when I sneakily head to my boyfriend's house. Every Sunday because that's the only day that not only I have off but he as well. Last Sunday we went to walmart and did a couple pranks with his friend because why not? We also found an abandoned dog. After searching for an hour for his owner, we gave up and came home to give him a bath and a little haircut. We have named him Chewbacca or Chewie for short. He's a big, old golden retriever. And we went on a little mini date for some pizza. It was fun and I hated leaving. I hated going back to my schedule and my work and my time consuming self. I hate going back home with the three bratty kids, the drunk, and the over protective mother. I hated going back to school to work about homework, quizzes, experiments, and lab work. It hate going to work. Though I love the people I work with and it seems to go smoothly enough, it's the act of really going in and working and dealing with the bullshit that the other people bring with them.
I just feel numb and disconnected and want to go to sleep. I want to be with my boyfriend for forever becaus I know how relaxed and alive I feel with him and his friends and in his life. As if I belong there.