Well, where else can I start with other than saying I have started to cut myself again. So many things have been happening in my life where I feel the need to let my emotions out somehow because crying isn't cutting it, no pun intended. Luckily, no one knows about it as the palms of my hands have become victims. But today I tried the backs of my hands to we'll see how that goes. My ankle was the only other victim but for some reason it showed a deep red line and is too noticable so I'll stick with places I can pass off as "My dog scratched me" or make it as if I was actually cutting something for cooking. I'm sure glad I asked for a pocket knife for Christmas, the kitchen knives are pretty crappy. Anyway, maybe it's better I don't get the .38mm revolver I want for my birthday… who knows what trouble I'd get myself into with that…

If you're wondering what's got me so down, it's because I feel as if everything, and I mean everything, is crumbling down around me. Like i mentioned in the previous blog, family, school and boyfriend are my strong points yet they turn into my weaknesses in matters of the heart. So I need not repeat myself a second time.

As for when I mentioned cutting myself again, I used to cut myself when I was in a rock/punk stage around age 16, so I could hide the cuts with those wrist bands, but now that I've shyed away from it, I've found it's a lot harder to conceal my bruises. I also used to punch myself in the face when I was 18 but it got hard explaining to my mom that "yes, I seem to be falling off the bed and coincidentally hitting my head on my 8lb weight each and everytime even after I moved it".  For a while it seemed as though I had run out of ways to hurt myself, so i decided to become bulimic around age 19, which was pretty fun considering everyone noticed I lost a lot of weight, it was just har explaining how considering it seemed as though I ate whatever I wanted and almost never exercised.

Thoughts of wanting to kill myself have become more frequent lately, I thought that I had been over than since I graduated high school but apparently God is testing my sanity yet again. It's almost weird that NO ONE knows about my mental "problems" so to speak. Either no one really cares/notices or I'm just that much of a damn good actress. I sometimes feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to about it and the one time my boyfriend found the computer file where I had made preparations for my own funeral (I was planning on killing myself that weekend a few months ago) he called me out on it in front of a friend and I felt completely humiliated. I want to believe he did it purposely so I wouldn't go through with whatever I was planning but something tells me he thinks I'm crazy. Thinks or knows, whichever shoe fits better. I sure wish I could get a prescription to Oxytocin, that would REEEEAAAALLLLLLY help me out. When my friend broke his foot and he had vicodin I almost got so desperate as to pay him for it even though he was through with his prescription. Can someone please help?

 Well, I believe I'm through with my ramblings. I feel like I have calmed down now, but I will be back in case things get worse or doubtedly better. Some days I dont't know how I'm going to go one, but the day I get a reason to keep breathing will be the day I find true happiness…

Damn these cuts are starting to itch..

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