contiuing from earlier….so back to my Mom saying I can go now….but…my apartment is a hellhole….and I worry that if I go back there and am stuck there all by myself again, it will be a breeding ground for depression and anxiety attacks to come back….because it's that grosss…..it's embarrasing how bad I let it get, mostly during the personal Depression of "09-'12 when I was so out of it and so miserable and depressed and focused so much on whether I was gonna live or not that cleaning the place up was not a priority,,,,except it's become so filthy that I really think it's beyond repair.,,,,that's how bad I think it is,,,,I would be so embarrassed to have any kind of friend or family member come in there…I would be embarrassed even if I actually had the money to hire someone to clean it myself to let the CLEANERS come in and see it, A> because they'd be like wow, how the hell could you have–what kind of person are you–to have let this place become such a disgusting mess?…B. They'd be like, WHOA! This is a mess beyond repair, we csn't help you…see ya!,,

Be alll that as it may, I was fine living there(oh, why don't I try to clean it btw? Unless it's just pure laziness, one reason is because it feels so overwhelming I don't know where to begin, another reason is this–and I know this sounds messed up–I seem to get depressed whenever I try to clean(!)….I don't get it either because I really, really like cleanliness I do, I've always loved it when my place has been clean in the past….I just don't know how to explain it. Oh, and there's this too: I seem to literally get sick–nautious, dizzy,,,breathing in too many fumes from cleaning products, and yes, I've tried a mask but it doesn't seem to help…), and was fine when I finally got through the bout of depression in mid '12 and yeah hated how much of a mess it was, but was like, hey, feeling good finally having conquered the depression, going to get this place cleaned up eventually, not going to let how much of a mess it is get me down, etc…then February came, and my Dad died, and Mom asked me to move in with her for a while because she was lonely….and as much as being a man in his late 30's and living with my Mom who I love of course but wow, living with her,,,a Jewish mother on top of that…as much as I was like, my god, I can't stay here much longer, she's driving me crazy, I miss my independence, etc, might have to tell her sorry, I gotta get back to my place, etc…but,,,I also liked a lot of things about being there and got used to them,,,,sure, largely superficial things I guess, if that makes me a bad person I guess I am, such as having access to a pc and an ipad whenever I wanted, a niceer bigger cleaner place, a beuatiful flatscreen TV with cable TV,,,and yes, the occasional home-cooked meal was nice too….anyway, add all that up, and now tdea of leaving there and all its comforts to go back to my place, with 2×4 sized outdated TV, no cable(can't afford it), no computer(have somehow manged to be the only one left on the planet who has never owned his own, and have never been able to afford one of my own, and still can't to this day, and I can't even tell you how absolutely frustrating and infuriating all that in and of itself is)…is…scaring me….I don't know for SURE if I will get depressed and have anxiety when I move back in there, but I fear that based on all the factors I listed above I will….okay, break from wrting, eyes are hurting from staring at screen too long…to be contiunes…

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