I took this morning off work to go see a general psychiatrist, who has referred me to a behavioural therapist for OCD, as I wanted, so I'll get an appointment date for that some time in the post. [br][br]
I also wanted to talk about the fact that i think i have borderline personality disorder. So i talked and talked about all of it, and the dr said he thinks that yes i do have it. he also said i'm not bipolar (since some people have both), because i don't match the cyclic regularity of bipolar disorder, but the explanation for my sometimes manic and depressive phases is that, given my ridiculous family medical history dating right back to great-great-grand-relatives, it is common and expected that i would react to stress with manic or depressive episodes. [br][br]
so i texted this to george and my mom. george…well he's lovely, his reply was 'yay! what happens now?' because he knows how much i wanted to have it confirmed, because i felt 100% certain i must be borderline and i just want to know and be able to accept it and then read up on it and figure out how to tackle it and not let it crush my life and those i love. [br][br]
my mom though, asked how i felt about it and wanted to talk to me about it – fair enough, but i'm strangely not ready to talk aloud about it to anyone who doesn't already know about it, understand it. i could e-mail her a long letter about it, but i can't verbalise it. anyway, i told her i feel relieved. because i do! i walked out and it felt enormous, like this huge thing had just happened to me. and it has! i'm not imagining things, i'm not a hypochondriac, i'm also not a bad person, i'm not evil, i'm not any list of bad adjectives others around me have always applied to me from time to time, i'm not intentionally being 'difficult' and i'm not being childish when i say i CAN'T stop all these things, i can't help them. there is actually a name for what is going on with me, all these things are related to each other, part of the same thing, and i'm starting to see now how they interact with each other and what is actually taking place inside my head. this is HUGE. i felt like crying. not out of sorrow but because i just felt like…someone FINALLY takes me seriously. i've never felt taken seriously about just about anything, and now finally a dr has told me yes, i am making sense, i am right. [br][br]
so, 2 things to do: 1. update my profile on here, and 2. he gave me a recommended book list and i went to the library but everything was checked out so i've requested all these books be reserved for me, i want to know all about it, i feel like reading websites about it all has been like reading parts of my autobiography, now i want to know more, i want to know everything. i could talk for a month about tourette syndrome, i could talk for weeks about ocd, i could talk a lot about adhd, but this is all new territory for me, because there's always been some excuse 'youre just stressed vrinda' or 'youre just going through adolescence vrinda' or 'youre just…[insert other excuses here]' and now i realise that well yes all true, but actually all those things did was trigger and exacerbate a bigger problem, including when i was pregnant, that was the worst, and no one knew, i didnt know, i know now. i want to read up and come up with plans to combat it, to cope. [br][br]
another thing the dr said was that i seem to have done really well in life so far, i've got a degree with a good grade, i'm engaged, have a child, have a steady job, friends, etc. and i was like…yes all true. doesn't it sound fantastic on paper? i have an amazing talent for masking things, for making the appearances correct. everyone thinks i'm this normal person. only those who live with me or are otherwise incredibly close to me and have known me a long, long time know just how much of a chaotic painful struggle it's been to achieve any of these things, or like…yeah i have a steady job. but i regularly feel like throwing myself onto the train tracks on the commute to work. just saying i've managed all this stuff isn't really a picture of what's going on. so yes, i won't deny it, i've worked incredibly hard and managed to accomplish a lot. but…i suppose that just shows how much help i need, because in spite of all that, i'm still not happy and i've started realising…and even george has said this to me before…i may never be happy. and i have spent so many years thinking this was my fault, but now i'm realising…it's just my brain, my chemicals. it's not my fault. and that…well it's so freeing.