STAGE ONE: Infatuation

I'll never say I'll never love, but I don't say a lot of things and you my love are gone

It's not that I don't believe in love… okay. Maybe it is. Love is a concept people force themselves to "feel" when they want something only feelings can bring them. I've always thought that.

But he makes me want to believe in it. He makes me want to find it. Not just with anybody. With him.

He misses the smell of my hair, the way I fit perfectly in his arms, the way I jumped on him from behind and clinged to him laughing. He misses me.

Last night was hard. Harder than ever. So he told me a story. He wrote me a fairy tale. He makes me want to smile and laugh and cry and scream and dance all at the same time. But with every second he's not here, it gets harder. He's never going to be, is he? He's 630 miles away. He's the only person I have. But he can't be enough. Not when he's there.

I miss Him. He makes me smile when I think I never could again.

STAGE TWO: Longing

You don't know, do you?

Sometimes, when I push my hair behind my ears, it's your fingertips I feel on the side of my face.

Sometimes when I hug my arms around my waist, trying to soothe my own tears, it's your hands I feel gripping my hips.

It's your heart I feel, begging to calm mine.

You don't know how hard it is to remind myself it isn't you.

How hard it is to remember how the fingertips that once stroked my cheeks are the ones that push me away.

How the hands that once held me close have held dozens since.

How the heart that once longed to heal me now ignores that I need it more than ever.

I want to tell you. I always do.

And then I look into your eyes, that tell more stories than your lips ever could, and I can't.

You don't know.

And god, I don't think you ever will.

STAGE THREE: Pain 

The harder I try, the less you care

The less I care, the harder you try

Letting go is impossible

When you tie me to what we have

Had

Bound indefinitely

To something I hate

Something I love

Someone I love

Someone I hate

Let me fall

Let us fall after me

Let the concept of we

Burn to dust and fade into the darkness

And let me forget

This idea

This concept

Is gripping me

Strangling me

And I don't want it anymore

I don't want you anymore

I need you

So let me go

And don't look back

Don't regret pushing me down

I'll finally be

Safe

STAGE FOUR: Fear

Did you just act like your arms were open?

You are safe.

So why didn’t you save me? Hide me away?

I hate that laugh you use

When I tell you something from the darkest depths of my frightened heart

And you laugh, as if you’re confident I’m pretending. As if it was meant to become a laughing matter.

But you know it’s not.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of your sadness, as I bury my truths deep back into my soul.

But it’s not enough to settle the terror.

Not any more.

So thank you, for acting like your arms were wide open.

For when I ran to them

Those open arms turned me away.

And now I live in vulnerable fear,

For the only person who could truly hurt me

Is you.

You, who no longer protects me

Who no longer saves me

But watches me burn.