Earlier i saw this post about how its okay to be vulnerable and that its even brave, I mean yeah when you put it in words. When it isn’t you who is being vulnerable it is a very easy things to say. You can tell people things will be easier if you open up, it will be way easier if you are honest.

Again easier said than done. I wish I could just say out loud what I want to him in the moment. I wish what I was going to say wouldnt scare him away. I feel like my words just might do that. They just might send him running for the hills.

At some points I think I am brave, I think I can say these things out loud. I practice them sometimes in my head, at work, in the shower, in the morning, on the phone with my friends, on paper, and even on here. I have all these things I want him to know. Things you could only say to someone you truly care and love.

The only reason I don’t tell him is because I don’t know If i am ready to tell another soul that I love them. I feel as if I have broken many hearts and that If i say those things to another person am i being truthful? Am I maybe lying and just want to fill this hole. I get bored, I get upset, I get lonely, I get all these feelings and some people can’t handle it. They can’t handle having me.

My biggest fear in this analogy is If i tell him he can give me one of two answers.

Yes I love you and I want to start living our lives together which is a huge commitment right?

No I only wanted to spend time with you because i was lonely too.

The yes scares me because he could fall out of love with me one day and I don’t know if my heart can handle being broken again. Giving my all into one person again only to be disappointed because our life styles don’t match up in the end.

The No scares me because I have never loved someone in the dark so long and felt the things I feel for him. I don’t know if i could be interested in another person if he rejects me and my feelings. Then he can no longer be in my life. He can no longer exist in my life because seeing him with someone else, having their child, being married, or even living together would tare me apart from the inside out.

SO its safe to say my feelings are over the top for him, and most of the time I spend my time not thinking about him… But in the end I do. just like I did years ago.