It's been so long since I've been here. I was not sure I'd ever come back… I am also an account holder on depression tribe. I think these sites can be a positive experience when used properly.
Let's see… where do I begin? I suffer from severe anxiety on a daily basis. My meds help with depression not anxiety. I don't like Atavan or any of those, they make me feel out of it and NOT in a good way. I drink a lot. That reminds me, I also have an account on addiction tribe.
After I drink I get very very anxious the next day. It's a combo of the booze having messed up my brain chemistry and because I do and say stupid and damaging things when I'm drunk. Not all the time, but a lot of the time, mostly online and when I'm alone.
I have trouble on FB. Last night my best friend UNfriended me because I was drunk and posting things I shouldn't have been on his page. It would have been a wake-up call but I keep doing it. I keep watching Britney videos and posting them, watching 80s videos and posting those, going off the handle, acting insane, saying things, usually euphoric ones.
The back story is too long to tell. But I'll tell it anyway, my best friend, J, is in love with me, well, WAS is probably the better word now. He and I are either having a blast together or not talking. I can't really tell him anything about other guys because he gets mad and jealous.
My ex boyfriend, K, has recently come back into my life, at least for a visit. I actually can't believe I am back on this site saying that K and I spent time together. I can't believe it. It's a good thing. A thing I'd wanted for 5 years. Ever since K left me. All I wanted was to spend time with him again. I love him very much. I love him in a way I could never love J and that is what has been causing me grief for nearly 5 years.
Needless to say, I'm worried K will disappear again. I don't want to lose him entirely. I know we can't get back together, that is very unrealistic. Mainly because I am 13 years OLDER than he is, and we could never make a life together. Much older women and younger men just do not work out.
So to bring you up to speed a bit, last night I went to J's 20 yr HS reunion. Yes J and I are both the same age (middle aged) . So it was weird for this to be 20 yrs out of HS, I felt old, hell, I am. But I promised him I'd go as his date, and it was the least I can do as his friend.
Everything was going great, but I was drinking too much. Of course I was, there were PEOPLE around and nothing makes me more ANXIOUS than PEOPLE. I am truly terrified of them. I can handle myself well and I'm very nice and sweet and even friendly, I'm just all jittery inside.
Things started to go weird as I got drunk, as they can. The worst time for me to get drunk is when I'm sitting on a lot of feelings I'm trying to push down and keep cool. The feelings always come out.
Ok, so picture we're at the club, the DJ is playing old school late 80's , early 90's music. It's time to dance. Then J does what I hate. He kisses me. Quickly and on the lips, without my consent. He does that every time I drink, it pisses me off, it's a violation and messes up the friendship and mind you, he is a FRIEND, I see the guy like a brother, I have no attraction to him. So I don't enjoy or appreciate him kissing me. But I've never said anything or complained. I probably should have. So he kissed me quickly and I didn't get mad, I took it with a smile and kept dancing. But it bugged me, got under my skin.
We went back in the other room where the food was and I texted K, who had texted me earlier to see how my weekend was going. Texts from K are what I have been living for for these 5 years, and after seeing him, it's no different. K asked me to get a drink with him, he said he'd pick me up at 10, but I couldn't cuz I was at the reunion.
Things got weird. My parents picked me up, I don't drive. It will take 10 blogs to explain how afraid of not only driving, but riding in a car I am. I have a severe phobia. But I digress. When they picked me up I was in a good mood but drunk and at least not afraid to ride in the car, lol. About the only time I don't think there's going to be an accident is when I am drunk. (I do NOT drive, I'm talking about being a passenger. I'm a terribly nervous passenger when I'm sober)
Then when I got home I drank and got crazy online and wrote all that shit. Everything was a mess today. I haven't heard from K. J is angry at me.
And I'm so anxious I can hardly sit still eventhough I have had zero sleep and I'm exhausted.
I'm so anxious everything is getting to me. I need comforting. I need to relax, but I have something to be anxious about, the damage is done.