Ok I just came from Anxiety Tribe because I am feeling horribly anxious. Now I am back here. I realized I am feeling down today too. The story of what happened last night is on Anxiety Tribe, so I won't repeat it. My question is, how on EARTH can I be depressed after what happened last Monday evening?

I saw the love of my life again after almost 4 years, 5 years after he left me. We had an evening together that was better than most of my wonderful dreams about him. AND IT WAS REAL!!!

I didn't think I'd ever feel depressed again after that. I mean K was back in my life for an evening. If my other blogs are still on here you know how very very much this person means to me. I love him, deeply, and he has changed very little. Same person, just a little older now. The K I knew is still here. He didn't disappear or grow into a different person. My K is still the young man I fell in love with and will always be the only one I truly love.

I am thinking my down feelings are because of the stress of what happened last night with J (our friendship is undoubtedly over) What happened on FB (damn that site to hell) and of course, the drinking. The drinking always makes my brain chemistry drop down to 0 the next day. Yeah sooo fun while drunk, it's barely worth how shitty I feel the next day.

Oh yeah and forgive this fact, my cycle about to happen. I always have this horrible depression and anxiety right before I get my period. Everything goes wacko, and I'm already wacko.

My emotions are all over the place. I was crying over the thing in Colorado. I got a text from K yesterday and he wanted to see me again last night, I was ecstatic. J's reunion was the catalyst for my drinking binge, which led to him unfriending me on FB. I really lost J this time, which is fine if I could have K, but I can't. K was just visiting. Temporarily. I am glad, but I'm greedy. I want more. I love him. I love him so much!!

My mind is all over the g*dd*mn place. Excuse my language. I can't believe what a roller coaster this week has been. Even the weather was freezing one day 95 degrees the next. WTF is going on? With a world like this, no wonder I get down!

God that J makes me sick though. Best friend my ASS! He kisses me when I don't want to be kissed, when I only told him a million times that I see him as a brother and that I'm in love with K. Gosh, this is making me feel less guilty about being such a bitch to J. He wasn't exactly very respectful towards me at times, but I know he meant well.

A week ago, this was all coming into place. It was perfect. We watched Kung Fu Panda and had Chinese food and the next night I saw K again. Oh GOD! Can I survive losing K again? What if he stops texting and doesn't want to hang out? I know, I know. I have to be greatful for the night we had together. I'd been waiting for it for 5 years. I have to realize how very lucky I am to have had him in my arms again. I just feel like I could die today. Really.

When I think back to the other blogs on here and how things were last summer.. WOW. Things changed. But the stress has not. The anxiety gets so bad that I become exhausted and depressed. I don't even want to take my meds tonight. Why? Because they won't help. I'm about to peel myself off the ceiling I am so strung out with anxiety and I haven't slept in I don't know how long. I should be collapsing, but I'm writing because it's all I know how to do when the shit hits the fan.

 

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