Bi-Polar

What is bi-polar, I have been asked by many. I have talked in a few of my daughters classes, or when I talk to my friends so they too can understand some of what I go thru, and co-workers when I give classes on the subject.

The way I can explain it is…. I ask them if they have ever been on a rollercoaster ride where there are high peaks and very low spots and many bends in the ride and all you want to do is get off? Most people answer yes and they were scared while on that ride or they were trilled by the highs and scared at the sudden drops because their hearts feel like they are going to lose it.

Your emotions are at the top, you feel high, happy, angry, frustrated, and some feel invincible. When I feel this way I know that I cant fly high forever because one day that high will bottom out, I will drop. I will crash to the ground hard. I try to get up, but it feels like I am bruised and banged up, I feel like I will always hurt, I will always be down on life.

I feel like while I am down someone has dug a hole and is throwing shovels of dirt on top of me As hard as I try to climb my way out the piles keep coming. I yell out from under all that dirt… GOD HELP ME… I CANT BREATH ANY MORE. PLEASE GOD, PLEASE HELP ME OUT OF THIS VERY DARK HOLE. I AM AFRAID OF THE DARKNESS> IF I DON’T SEE LIGHT SOON I WILL DIE. PLEASE GOD, GIVE ME YOUR HAND AND HELP ME PULL MYSELF OUT OF THIS DEPRESSION.

Until you figure out what it is, why you feel this way, put a name to the craziness, and accept that this is part of you. You cannot change this madness that you feel inside you. The cycle will continue, over and over again. There will never be a way to get off the most scariest rollercoaster ride you have ever been on.

You never know what is waiting around the next twist of this ride, what the top to the bottom hold for you. All you can do is hold on for dear life and hope you survive. Only you can stop the ride, only you can decide to reach out for help, because if you don’t get the help that you need the ride will eventually start again. You have to learn how to change your behavior to deal with life in a different way. It will become a small rollercoaster that you can handle. It will become a smoother ride, you will be able to handle the up and down because they wont be so steep.

I have become a different person than I was 4 years ago due to the fact that I realized that I wanted off of this ride. I reached out for help. With the guidance of my doctor and councilor, and the support from my friends and family and knowing that I am not the only one in this world who has been on the same rollercoaster I can survive.

The Diagnoses of Bi-Polar has set me free. It has made me know that I am not crazy.