I know I'm tired. Have had a back problem for about a month now, and it doesn't want to go away.
This time I've had my full four days off between shifts.
Did some political work ("in-the-background" stuff) for a day and a half of that time. Listened to a friend for hours because she needed to talk… had to keep my mouth shut to the point that I walked away from her to get some air. Helped another friend out for half of today… ended up carrying heavy stuff for him, smacking my head against the van entrance, etc.
Just wanted a break, so here I am, by myself, listening to some alt 80-90's music and feeling so empty… this is obviously not what I need.
Still waiting to lose weight and get some more energy… went to the doctor today and now have a stronger script of thyroid medicine. Pulse still way too low. It's been at least 10 weeks now, working out hard for 4 days a week then weight work for 3 days a week… and little to show for it.
SO WHY IS IT THAT I SHOULD FEEL SO BAD?!!!! The friend I talked to has a personality disorder that she is fighting, the friend I helped with moving stuff is in a wheelchair for the rest of his life at age 26 and I just gave 20 bucks and a hug to some poor recovering drug-addict woman this morning for gas because she and her cancer stricken husband needed to find their local politican so that they might get their electricity turned back on.
I know where it comes from… I don't feel worthy to feel my feelings.
Of course I know I should care about me, that I'm worthy to care about. I know it, I do the self-affirmations and try to divert negative self-talk in my head, but being successful in these endeavours is so hard… failing in loving myself is so easy, so natural.
Anyway, I'm tired of typing, tired of feeling sorry for myself now. Why is it that I can feel sorry for myself, get angry at myself, be mean to myself, but I can't be kind to myself, be happy for myself, be proud of myself? Why do I still need outside approval of who I am? Will I still be asking myself these questions, putting myself in such a lonely existence until the day I die?
That's the news from my warfront, friends and the unnamed that read this tripe.
I pray your moment right now, is a happy one, a joyful one or even just one of content.
L8R… nice… just playing 'One' by U2 right now. Why not… now Bono can screw with my head … sitting alone, thinking of having a drink.