I dont know why it just hit me now, after my 5th miscarriage on teh 3rd. I am falling apart, rightnow, I told my bff that it didnt hurt me, bc it didnt i was just numb, till I got home from being out with her, shopping, well her shopping and i having fun trying things on, which If you know me I never do. A new one for me. I am so broken right now, I see all these ladies today pregnant, and I went to the infertility clinic which I s right next to the ob/gyn, so pregnant ladies surrounding me, I want to cry. I have enough depression as a major depressive, I really dont need this. I just dont knowwhat to do anymore, they did like 6 blood vials today for my gene tests, for infertility. and she thinks it might be something inmy genes causign me to miscarry, and I really hope that is the problem so we can correct it. I just want to stop feelinglike a failure, stop feeling like this, and I want to be a mom, bc I know I will be a good mom. I have so much love to give,and I just want to give some more. youknow?? I dont feel like a woman either, I dont know how to explain it, but when you keep failing at having kids, it makes you question if you are really a woman at all. I know weird and strange, thought, but I guess you kinda have to be there. I am trying to contain my tears, and I really want to be a better friend to people. I feel like no good to anyone right now. I had fun with gina, butunderneath the fun, there it lingered, and now it just burst out, andshowed its hiding ugly head, and now the tears are falling. I dont know how much mroe grief I can take, with losingmy grandpa, my best friend and sister katie in feb. of 05 to depression/suicide, jason not doing well, and now my 5 angel babies. I just feel at aloss for words, anymore. I really want to just sit by my lonesome, in a hot tub, cryingand crying, fuck. sorry if this post is too depressingif you are reading this, I am sorry, but I need to write,it is teh one thing I have left in this world to deal with my pain.

ps. i foundout i have fibromylagia(inflammation and swellign ofthe muscles in you rbody) just diagnosed with it on monday…fuck, now I have not only hpv, and cervical dysplasia, and diabetes but fucking fibro. and they say it might be bc of my 10 years of anorexia. fuck.

fuck fuck.