I saw him today. The Ex. First time we've had contact in.. about 2 months. It was hard, really hard. I was shaking like a leaf. I went because I wanted my pc back. We sat on his front door step and smoked a rollup, and he invited me in. I declined, and was brutally honest; I can't go into the house because it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Another friend came along while we were sat there, so we moved into the back garden. It was… strange. But nice. But at the same time I didn't want to enjoy it, because it would only result in my being hurt again when I remembered all the fun times we'd had in that garden. We were pleasant to one another, and after a while I made my excuses and I left. As I as leaving, I gave my other friend a hug, and my ex grabbed my hand and pulled me to him and hugged me. It was touching really.. he sort of buried his head in my stomach and hugged me really hard. 

I felt good when I walked away. I felt good because I did not feel upset, and his hug meant that he missed me, which is always nice to know.. we all want someone to miss us. But most of all I felt good because my other friend had commented quite openly on how I seemed so different from the last time he'd seen me – how I seemed to have alot more confidence and seemed to be bubbly and happy again. Ok, so alot of it was nerves around my ex, but still, I think seeing the 'old me' really shocked him. I think he still expected me to be this big crying mess on the floor, and I'm not anymore, I'm just doing my very best to get on with my own life. It's not easy I'll admit; I have my days where I can cry all day and find it impossible to find a way forward.. I still get severe anxiety and my nerves are shot to hell. But I let him see only what I wanted him to see, and for that, I am pleased with myself for being so strong. 


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