Yeah, well, I jumped the gun or something. I was told she was in hospice care, on morphine, getting the last rights from a priest, and, well, she does have cancer but last I heard she's not dead yet. I heard all of this from the same person. Then, they told me they are praying for her cancer to go into remission. Good God.

So, I might get my chance to stand up to Joan after all, but I just don't know. I mean, I'm like in a brain fog or something.

Part of me is too scared to, part of me has no idea what I am thinking. Like I said, I've got brain fog.

So, I made a friend, sort of a best friend, I saw that they were trouble but my boyfriend liked her, and the guy I'm renting from so I stayed friends with her… and got screwed over… I mean, she's got good qualities, that's why I wanted to be friends in the first place… but then I saw some bad ones… saw the red flag… and… I stayed friends because they liked her… and now it's gotten worse for me than just red flags…

I'm bummed it's nothing but a waste of time. If only she was only the good things. If only I stopped when then, instead of getting into this with her even deeper. I wouldn't feel as bad as I do know if I got out then.

During the last couple of days my boyfriend has been sweet, during the last few nights he has pinned me down, pulled my hair, cracked my neck, begged me to strangle him, screamed, howled, talked about wanting to kill people and other hyper aggressive stuff, asked me to stab him…

Argh. The plite of the poor.

I talked to the people that do domestic violence in case it gets too bad. I mean, I don't have a lot of places to go. What can I do? What can I do but put up with this for now? (Yeah, yeah, maybe I could go to a domestic violence shelter. I've been through programs like this. I have never been through one for domestic violence. If they are alike then I don't want to do it. And, well, I don't want everyone to know my business and I don't want people to think less of me. I am trying to have a good image. That confidentiality stuff is bullshit. If there's a woman there that doesn't like me, there is nothing that can stop her from telling everyone my business. I've had gossip ruin my image before. I am afraid of counselors / therapists too and I am thinking I would probably have to go to counseling / therapy if I went, too.)

What's worse is that sometimes we seem so sweet… several people have told me they wish they had what we have… inside I think something cynically (is that the right word, cynically?) like, "Would you really want this? Do you want a man that needs so much attention? Do you want a man that would beat you? Do you want a man that will then beat himself up?" Bah! Yeah, we stare into each other's eyes lovingly. Yes, we cling. Yes, we're polite. Yes, he dresses up just for me. Yes, his entire life is about me. Yes, we're so motherfucking adoreable!

They're strangers. They know nothing. I am open about the abuse, and I've gotten many different reactions. I've gotten people that call me a liar. I've also gotten people that tell me to get far, far, away from my black hole boyfriend. That I deserve better. Never bring him around them, etc.

I hope that doesn't sound contradictory. There is a difference between me choosing to tell someone that I am being abused… and some nasty lady saying this and this happened when it didn't and people beliving her because she was at the domestic violence shelter with me…

I don't know, does this make sense?

I started working out. I don't feel any better. I am disappointed. My boyfriend and landlord thingy guy keep eating my food. I need special food because I have allergies and stuff and they keep eating my food. I am pretty unhappy about this.

I made some money. I am happy about this.

Um, well, I don't know what to do right now. There is good and bad in my life. I want the bad to end. In a way, it's really hard. I need some way for it to be less hard. How is everyone else feeling?

I need like motivation. And… I don't know… security… I think the brain fog is because of things like my boyfriend being loving one moment and violent the next… I can't deal with it… he says he hates himself.

Sometimes I feel like I have too many problems. Sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world. The OCD is getting to be pretty bad too. And the weather.

Eloi, Eloi lama sabachthani?

p.s. My bf has no long withstanding friends. Most people like him at first, then they get to know him, and, I don't know. I do know they don't stay friends. My bf also hurts himself more than he hurts me. Does that count for anything? He doesn't hurt me or himself that bad. I don't know if it's because he doesn't want to, or because he can't. I am stronger than him. I don't know anything. He's crazy. A certain amount of life is determined by luck. What is there to know? I wish life could be described, contained, etc. I wish it was about logic.