Other than cutting, I don’t know how else to get rid of my current thoughts. I don’t want to cut simply because it’s just another thing that has to be hidden.
I think the stress that my parents are feeling is spreading to me. Yes, they’re stressed and yes, it’s justifiable stress…to help them I feel like I have to hurt myself: a therapy cut back…not that talking does much.
When it gets cold here, it will be a blessing in a few ways but the one that most excites me is long sleeves. Covered skin, covered sins, hidden breaks in sobriety. If I wasn’t so damm hot natured, I could wear long sleeves sooner.
I began to realize I set goals as to when would be better for me to kill myself. I don’t want any holidays to remind them of me, like on a birthday. I DON’T CARE IF THIS SOUNDS F*CKED UP!!!! In a twisted way, it keeps me here a bit longer. After the end of August…I’m not sure of my next goal. Between the end of August and the middle of October, nothing really happens–birthday and holiday wise.
I’ve decided there is no, good cheap way to get rid of depression. Sure a bottle of pills doesn’t cost much, but it’s harmful. Therapy does SOMETIMES work, but it’s costly. My own method of therapy isn’t expensive but hurtful to others. Cutting still helps me more than it hurts me. I still find enough pros to do it, to give in.
Maybe once my grandmother comes to live with us, I can go off my meds again, in an attempt to get the damm guts to kill myself.
I don’t care if any, or all, of this sounds irrational. Does a depressed person think logically often? Not this one.